After journeying through the desert, have a nice cold drink at one of our many taverns where you will be served by some of the best looking women in the world. Maybe. We can't convince them to take off their bhurkas yet. After sleeping in a tent for so long you'll want to stay in one of our fine inns. We have a full time staff of scorpion catchers working around the clock, so most of your men shouldn't have a problem with that.
Need a 'bed warmer'? We are slowly convincing some of lovely local ladies that it is a wonderful lifestyle. Still, don't get too comfortable around them, as some still freak out and will try stick a knife in your back. Still, if you can't handle a whore with a knife, maybe you're in the wrong vocation.
So come by and relax on the beach (it is all sand from New Anus Audi to New Durquaba, so I consider it's still beach), or join in one of our continuous bar brawls. Whatever you want, we have it at New Anus Audi. Except cobra anti-venom. We ran out of that on the first day.
All of the 13 Knights were getting restless sitting up in the Northwest. Yeah, both me and Dirk. We were always hanging around the castle, bugging King James constantly for a new campaign. "Let us take this castle," we begged. "No," James would answer, "It is already claimed. We were bored, and James was getting annoyed with our constant pestering.
Then the Department of Special Education attacked on one of our caravans and hundreds were slaughtered. We were overjoyed. We bought up some goods and headed south. We had an uneventful trip, and soon arrived at Soft Juicy Mangoes fief. Bit of a crazy guy, but he has the best parties. We sold most of our stuff, but saved some to steal SD from DSE.
You see, our plan was to sneak into the desert and run around causing nothing but trouble for DSE. Steal S&D, attack small caravans and run away from larger armies, hopefully tying them up for as long as we could. Whatever happened, we knew it was going to be a good time.
As we approached the New Weyah mountain pass, I gave most of my men and gear to Dirk while I scouted ahead with 150 armed men. When I got to the pass, our hopes were dashed. There was an SDE army. 100 unarmed men, led by Dexxtaa. 'Damn', I thought. We were relying on the element of surprise and this guy would report back to SDE headquarters and we'd have a bunch of huge, heavily armed SDE armies marching out to meet us. We decided Dirk would hold back with the main army while I took out this Dexxtaa, to make sure he didn't see and report our real numbers. What I really hoped was that he'd run.
I caught up to Dexxtaa's army early in the morning. 'Damn', I thought again. I'd have to wait 8 or so hours to attack in a gentlemanly fashion, then we'd have to wait another 24 hours for the battle. All wasted time. No doubt the DSE border armies were closing in.
8 hours later, Dexxtaa hadn't moved. I decided to risk the chance that he was on vacation and wouldn't report. I told Dirk to start marching. I continued scouting, even entering New Anus Audi. Dressed in peasant's garb, I assessed the situation. Population about 200, I figured. Absolutely no garrison. WTF, I thought to myself. 2 SDE army commanders though. Their armies were here, but I had no way to find out. Oh well, all part of the adventure.
I left New Anus, and happened to bump into an adventurer that I had never met before. He asked if he could do anything for me, so I asked him if he could deliver this extremely top secret document that could totally destroy us if it fell into the wrong hands- one that DSE would pay a lot of money to get- and he agreed. Apparently he had planned travelling near New Weyah castle anyway. In it I told Dirk to ignore Dexxtaa and march on. At this point I thought I better let King James know what we were up to. So I found another total stranger and gave him a letter, in which I described in great detail our army size, gear, and a complete layout of our over all strategy.
As Dirk approached New Anus, I spotted on the horizon an approaching army. 391 lightly armed men carrying 700 crates, according to my outriders. Dirk would never be able to catch him in time, and I really, really thought of trying to attack him with 150 armed men. Might work, I thought, depending on how lightly he was armed. Fortunately good sense overcame my overpowering blood lust, and I avoided him.
Still, this was a problem. 200 peasants and 2 armies of unknown size in the fief, and now 391 more men. They could possible reinforce New Anus enough to beat us. We finally decided the risk was too great. G-Force are a wily bunch, and this was obviously a trap. Dexxtaa saw us, but was ordered to act AFK so we'd pass him by- and put us in a false sense of security. They pulled the garrison into one of the armies so we'd be tempted to attack. It was all one big stinking trap, and we weren't gonna fall into it.
Then we had a bunch of beers. And then we thought about it again. So what if its a trap, we said, we are the bestest, greatest, kick assest army ever, and we'll take anyone. You looking at me, New Anus?! Huh, tough guy? We decided to attack. Dirk valiantly advanced and hit the attack button. We all held our breath.
And then there were only 200 peasants and we outnumbered them 3 to 1 roster wise.
I almost pitied them, but they fought valiantly, but numbers and better gear crushed them. So now the 13 Knights have a fief again.
