The Crusaders of Acre declare war on the satanist Frisians

[Matey]

The once prosperous town of New Karindi had become little more than a macabre ghost town. The corpses of many great warriors lay strewn about. A sea of white tabards draped the landscape. The Draculites laying before me had fought long and hard. For every one of them lying about dead, there were two or three of Acre's acolytes impaled upon their weapons. The battle had been a close one for sure.
If only I had been quicker.
I had stepped off of my horse to more thoroughly examine the damage, when I heard the familiar sounds of a struggle coming from down the road. My boots bore loud noises as they crunched over the chainmail laden torsos of the corpses. By now the blood of my comrades had soaked my boots, and the lubrication made my sprint even more difficult than it already was on this treacherous and morbid terrain.
I rounded the corner of a lodge to see a circle of crusaders prodding at something with their weapons. I let loose my Langes from her scabbard, and the dawns light gleamed from her blood groove. The blood soaked mud would not detriment me this day. With all of my momentum, I picked my legs up off the ground, and slid forward, ducking under the swing of a poleaxe. My blade wrought havoc upon the mans leg, and he fell forward, clutching at the severed tendons. Now apparently pissed off, the others descended upon me. I scampered up onto my feet, but as I did, a well placed blow to my hand knocked my sword from my grasp. A foot came hurtling towards my abdomen. I grabbed the boot with both of my hands, and twisted the mans leg half circle. With a loud snap, his bones popped out of place and ripped out of his flesh at awkward angles. As soon as I could turn around, another blade swung upon me. I propelled my fist upward, deflecting the blow with my gauntlet. A wound up punch from my right hand then made love to his face, and scattered his teeth throughout the mud. A quick elbow followed, striking his temple, and it sent the back of his head whirling into the stone wall of the building behind him. His body slumped down the wall, a vibrant streak of blood tracing his descent.
Yet another blade was slung at me, a longsword no less. I jumped out of its initial arc, and while ducking down I drew my langes from the ground. An overhead strike soon followed, but I was ready. I parried the blade away, and sent my foot forcefully into the longswordsman's knee joint. He lost his footing, and I buried my langes messer deep in his clavicle. The blade pulled out with a slurch, and blood spewed from the wound. The pommel of my langes met his forehead with a loud crack. He hit the floor like a sack of hammers.
Severed Leg Man(TM) writhed about the floor in pain. I stuck my sword deep into his sternum, pinning him to the floor, and twisted the blade deep through his flesh. His comrade had made it a few meters away from me, crawling through the mud like a dying dog. I curb stomped his contorted leg, and he yelped in great misery. I then hefted him up against the wall and held him by his shoulders. The expression of fear on his face was a priceless thing in deed. I could feel the fear in his eyes. What a brilliant idea it gave me. I forcibly plunged my thumbs deep into his eye sockets, and continued applying pressure until his pathetic screaming had ceased.

I could hear a gasp coming from behind me. I turned to see a fellow Draculmancer laying on the ground before me.
It twas Necrowave, the leader of this expedition. I knelt over him and held his shaking head still. His mouth opened, and he spat a tablespoon of blood. "Deltah, pull it out."
"This is no time for your eroticisim, you asshat." I replied.
"I meant the crossbow bolt."
Sure enough, a well aimed bolt lay stuck in his groin. No doubt a trademark shot of the infamous dbrookz.
I grabbed ahold of the shaft, and pulled the sucker out.
"I suppose no more late night romps with the lads for you then, my brother."
He chuckled. "You can't get rid of me that easily. My phallus was too small of a target for the bolt."
If he wasn't bleeding to death in my arms, I would have slapped him.
 "So, Coach, am I gonna make the big game or what?"
I slapped him anyway.

By now, my staff had finally caught up with me. They marveled at the mayhem that lay in my wake.
I called for one of my captains. "Go get the Apothecary and tell him to bring the salve of herbs from the Old One's garden." He rushed off, post haste.

"You think you can keep your lights on till he gets here and patches your ass up, Necro?"
"Only if you twiddle my noodle while we wait," he replied.
I let go of his head and stormed off to go get my Langes.

The rest of my personal guard and lieutenants stood before me, anxious for orders. I pulled the blade out from the corpse, and held it up to the dawn.
" Tonight their hearts will quake with the sound of our boots. They will know fear. For we shall drag these self-righteous sons of bitches down to hell, and show unto them the true meaning of Christmas."
 

I cried.

[vesa]

Meanwhile Dracul Lord Vesarius swears a jihad on his own clan for shitty timing of every fuckin battle.  Oh sweetest of irony if the draculians leaders were all impaled on spikes...Fin

[Artyem]

Meanwhile Dracul Lord Vesarius swears a jihad on his own clan for shitty timing of every fuckin battle.  Oh sweetest of irony if the draculians leaders were all impaled on spikes...Fin

Go back to your bar, don't you have money to be making?

[Just A Random Pizza Guy]

The battle for New Karindi had just been won by the Draculian Band and bodies from both sides lay strewn across the battlefield.

Pizzaguy grieved for the loss of Necrorave's army but was relieved when he learned that his friend's phallus was still intact. He walked into what was the tavern of the fief and helped himself to some ale.

 He noticed the body of a Crusader of Acre half laying on a chair with a Bottle of ale in one hand and a 2h my old friend maul in the other. Feeling lonely and banished from the after-battle celebration simply because he was not cool enough he wiped the blood from the Crusader's face and set him the in the chair across from him. Pizzaguy did the polite thing and approached the man, started with a little small talk, and ordered the bloodied-man a drink. Only a few minutes had passed and it was clear where the night would take them.

 Knowing that he had to leave the next morning to return to New Ulburban. Pizzaguy swiftly rented him and the crusader a room. After several hours of passionate lovemaking the door burst open. It was Pizzaguy's commander; Deltah, who was in fact Fearless! Deltah Yelled with a roar that would burst any normal man's genitals and sliced both of the crusader's heads off with one swing of his OP Langes Messer. Pizzaguy frowned and a tear formed in his left eye. Knowing that the only true happiness and comfort he would ever find lie in his own right hand. He sat motionless with the body of the crusader next to him for the duration of the night, sobbing quietly to himself...

In the morning he walked out of the tavern confidently, realizing that he now Had added HIV to his ARSEnal of Diseases of a sexual origin. He was Still heartbroken, but there was still hope in his heart, that he might one day catch them all.

[dreadnok]

Actually, Tkov has 21k, MB in Uxkhal with 12k...

As long as, they allow them to attack without wasting tickets, then it's all good.

To be fair anders, they are all my troops in uxhaul.  And I endorse frisia always

[TheAppleSauceMan]

AppleSauce returned after a few days time spent away, realizing immediately the amount of drama and XP he had missed, not to mention all the steam sales.......that's the last time I put getting laid over c-RPG. I've made a mistake.

(click to show/hide)

The mistake is a boy. 

[Artyem]

Artyem sat alone in his tent, waiting for battle against the small Acre crusader force.

As usual, he pondered several subjects that crossed his mind, today was not an unusual one.  He look perplexed, curious as to how a bowl of Applesauce had somehow made it to the position of a field bauss.  Interestingly enough, the Applesauce couldn't formulate sentences or even vocal noises beyond the occasional shouting of the term "swag" which it often did, loud enough to implode one's eardrums.

He decided it would be best to not question fate, as the bowl of Applesauce was quite talented in the field of combat.  Swinging and chopping with his cleaver, he was a force to be avoided by those not on his team.

[Lt_Anders]

To be fair anders, they are all my troops in uxhaul.  And I endorse frisia always

Not insulting MB, just stating that OTHER factions have stacks too.... I'm sure there's others, but those were ones I remembered

Cause you so stronk dread, and I like those sexy muscles.

[dreadnok]

You very damn well should

[njames89]

(click to show/hide)

that's the last time I put getting laid over c-RPG

lol that feel

Having been away on important faction matters (a glorious name day celebration) James had not been with his men at the time of the siege of Yruma. He had been unable to think of much else but the siege. As he and his small group of knights pulled up to the castle it was obvious that the battle had been a lengthy and bloody one. The shattered remains of a fallen siege tower lay broken on the slopes surrounding the castle. As James asked the peasant folk for tidings of the battle it became clear that the Crusaders of Acre had held their own and slain many opposing knights. "Allers killed 400 men by himself!" said one peasant, "I saw Brother Axeman cut a man clear through from his shoulder" said another. James knew that the claims about Allers were most likely an exageration but he had heard speak of Allers in many an inn and tavern and would not put it past him.

Some repairs to the castle would be needed but James could see that the peasants and architects were already hard at work repairing the castle for the next siege. As James wondered where the majority of the Crusaders were (having seen only a few Acre men organizing repairs), he stumbled into the Yruma pub and found the remaining men.

A chorus of some song he had not heard before was making its way through the pub.

"O' they came to climb our walls
But alas we smashed them in their balls
We laughed at all their fucking falls
Oh no they shall not take these halls

Yruma the fortress it shall hold
Our enemies thought themselves so bold
Ten thousand men or more strong
O' Ravens your wait it may be long

Crusaders stay strong and believe
For yours is the truest of all deeds
To fight for the King and chadz
Our enemies shall for ever be mad"

James spent the rest of the night and much of the morning drinking and talking with the men to hear of the strategies used by the enemy and of the glory attained by all the Crusaders and Holy Mercenaries who came to help our cause. After wading through a sea of whores James was able to find the King, " My King I have arrived from my engagements, I am pleased to see the battle has gone in our favor, also that is quite a catchy song the men are singing perhaps it should be put to paper" James said. "Indeed James, indeed" Replied the King as he called Delson to arrange for 50 more bottles of wine to be brought to the pub.  Dissapointed in himself for not being there to see the glorious siege himself James assured the men he would fight in the next defense of the fortress and began trying to consume his own weight in wine.

As the sun came over the battlements James retreated to his quarters very satisfied with the valor and heroics shown by his men.

[Working_Class]

(click to show/hide)

lol that feel

Having been away on important faction matters (a glorious name day celebration) James had not been with his men at the time of the siege of Yruma. He had been unable to think of much else but the siege. As he and his small group of knights pulled up to the castle it was obvious that the battle had been a lengthy and bloody one. The shattered remains of a fallen siege tower lay broken on the slopes surrounding the castle. As James asked the peasant folk for tidings of the battle it became clear that the Crusaders of Acre had held their own and slain many opposing knights. "Allers killed 400 men by himself!" said one peasant, "I saw Brother Axeman cut a man clear through from his shoulder" said another. James knew that the claims about Allers were most likely an exageration but he had heard speak of Allers in many an inn and tavern and would not put it past him.

Some repairs to the castle would be needed but James could see that the peasants and architects were already hard at work repairing the castle for the next siege. As James wondered where the majority of the Crusaders were (having seen only a few Acre men organizing repairs), he stumbled into the Yruma pub and found the remaining men.

A chorus of some song he had not heard before was making its way through the pub.

"O' they came to climb our walls
But alas we smashed them in their balls
We laughed at all their fucking falls
Oh no they shall not take these halls

Yruma the fortress it shall hold
Our enemies thought themselves so bold
Ten thousand men or more strong
O' Ravens your wait it may be long

Crusaders stay strong and believe
For yours is the truest of all deeds
To fight for the King and chadz
Our enemies shall for ever be mad"

James spent the rest of the night and much of the morning drinking and talking with the men to hear of the strategies used by the enemy and of the glory attained by all the Crusaders and Holy Mercenaries who came to help our cause. After wading through a sea of whores James was able to find the King, " My King I have arrived from my engagements, I am pleased to see the battle has gone in our favor, also that is quite a catchy song the men are singing perhaps it should be put to paper" James said. "Indeed James, indeed" Replied the King as he called Delson to arrange for 50 more bottles of wine to be brought to the pub.  Dissapointed in himself for not being there to see the glorious siege himself James assured the men he would fight in the next defense of the fortress and began trying to consume his own weight in wine.

As the sun came over the battlements James retreated to his quarters very satisfied with the valor and heroics shown by his men.

lots of sex was had after as well

[Jack1]

Accidental post.

[kasMVC]

Your poem hardly a worthy attempt, its lyrics elementary

My pubic hair unkempt, may you rest alone in your cemetary

Declare yourself neutral? How fruitful.

Acre troop farmers, thats why you're suitable

You hide behind walls and cheer with vigor

One tenth the men expended, tis true walls can be mended.

Tis true your trade has been suspended

Tis true aid will not be lended

Tis true, verily no doubt

You scream and celebrate huzzah and shout

While the true threat lurks in the shadow

Coming for blood, the noose draws narrow

[njames89]

“Crusaders, today we stand victorious and have defended the holy castle of Yruma once more.” James said to his men as they had gathered in the courtyard. The Crusaders had again held Yruma as it was sieged by enemy forces. “The holy chadz has, thanks to your zeal and ferocity, blessed us with holy victory. Rejoice my brothers for though the fight is not over, we have won an important victory here today.”

The siege had been another bloodbath, thousands lay dead, the snows around Yruma had turned a brownish red as the blood and guts from thousands of defenders soaked into the ground. The Crusaders had not even had time to clear the enemy corpses as they had arrived with another army with haste to continue the siege. All the better that they should stand and fight among their dead brothers, hopefully disease and pestilence would befall them he thought.

Standing on a raised porch outside the King’s quarters James addressed the men once more. “Cameron, you displayed much prowess with the bow, truly you rained holy death upon them, well done. Hoodeh your skills as a pikeman thwarted many enemy ladders. The King has noted both of your performances in battle” James continued on “The tavern awaits us men, ale, wine, and whiskey a plenty for all those who fought in the battle. Let us drink to our fallen brothers may they give us strength in the coming battles”.

Making his rounds through the men in the Tavern it was clear morale was very high. The men drew strength from the fact that they were doing the lord’s work.  As James approached Kilge it was clear he had been grievously wounded in the battle. “Mother of chadz Kilge what happened!” James questioned, “A pike sir it gouged my left eye, I’ve still got the right though so the fuckers aren’t done with me yet” replied Kilge. “You are lucky to be alive Kilge, the lord must have need for you yet” James added. As he moved on through the tavern James came to a table at which Hoodeh, Delson, Whoopsie and Axeman were sitting playing the knife game while drinking copious amounts of whiskey. “You sick bastards… starting a round without me….” James joined in and several rounds were played until everyone was so drunk that the table began receiving less and less blows”. Exhausted and with bloody hands James retired.

Upon returning to his quarters James found a letter from kasMVC, a poem it turned out. Surprised at the impressive composition James wondered if perhaps some of his enemies were in fact not entirely degenerates. As he lay down to rest he dreamt of crushing his enemies with the great mauls that had just arrived in bulk on a recent caravan from the west.

[Smoothrich]

+1 this post if you never actually read posts in italics (thanks for the effort though nerds)