I put great effort in this:
It all started when our overrated adventurer, chadz, woke up in a imaginery desert. It was the fifth time it had happened. Feeling alarmingly frustrated, chadz grabbed a gerbil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). As if it really mattered he realized that his beloved money was missing! Immediately he called his so-called best friend, Loooshus. chadz had known Loooshus for (plus or minus) 153 years, the majority of which were curious ones. Loooshus was unique. He was smart though sometimes a little... funny-smelling. chadz called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Loooshus picked up to a very glad chadz. Loooshus calmly assured him that most venomous koalas yawn before mating, yet legless puppies usually surreptitiously yawn *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting chadz. Why was Loooshus trying to distract chadz? Because he had snuck out from chadz's with the money only three days prior. It was a striking little money... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before chadz got back to the subject at hand: his money. Loooshus yawned. Relunctantly, Loooshus invited him over, assuring him they'd find the money. chadz grabbed his refrigerator and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Loooshus realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the money and he had to do it deftly. He figured that if chadz took the Jap Trap, he had take at least five minutes before chadz would get there. But if he took the Donkey? Then Loooshus would be abnormally screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Loooshus was interrupted by eight insensitive squirels that were lured by his money. Loooshus belched; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling worried, he thoughtfully reached for his wolverine and thoughtfully stroked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the haunted thicket, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Donkey rolling up. It was chadz.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Wal-Mart to pick up a 12-pack of potatos, so he knew he was running late. With a inept leap, chadz was out of the Donkey and went indiscriminately jaunting toward Loooshus's front door. Meanwhile inside, Loooshus was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the money into a box of bananas and then slid the box behind his giraffe. Loooshus was stunned but at least the money was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Loooshus surreptitiously purred. With a inept push, chadz opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some annoying self-righteous ass in a noise-polluting import,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Loooshus assured him. chadz took a seat conveniently far from where Loooshus had hidden the money. Loooshus shuddered trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But chadz was distracted. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, Loooshus noticed a insensitive look on chadz's face. chadz slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Loooshus felt a stabbing pain in his ear when chadz asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the money right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A dimwitted look started to form on chadz's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's wolverines from when she used to have pet man-eating capybaras. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. chadz nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Loooshus could react, chadz deftly lunged toward the box and opened it. The money was plainly in view.
chadz stared at Loooshus for what what must've been three hours. A few unfulfilled decades later, Loooshus groped charismatically in chadz's direction, clearly desperate. chadz grabbed the money and bolted for the door. It was locked. Loooshus let out a eccentric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, chadz,' he rebuked. Loooshus always had been a little oafish, so chadz knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Loooshus did something crazy, like... start chucking potatos at him or something. Just as zero people expected he gripped his money tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Loooshus looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from chadz. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame three days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for chadz. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Loooshus walked over to the window and looked down. chadz was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, chadz was struggling to make his way through the foxy forest behind Loooshus's place. chadz had severely hurt his scalp during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral squirels suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the money. One by one they latched on to chadz. Already weakened from his injury, chadz yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of squirels running off with his money.
About four hours later, chadz awoke, his armpit throbbing. It was dark and chadz did not know where he was. Deep in the broad fanstic pumpkin patch, chadz was abnormally lost. Absolutely thrilled, he remembered that his money was taken by the squirels. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a bloated squirel emerged from the bush. It was the alpha squirel. chadz opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the squirel sunk its teeth into chadz's ear. With a faint groan, the life escaped from chadz's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than nine miles away, Loooshus was entombed by anguish over the loss of the money. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened dangerous oil-soaked rag. With a hasty thrust, he buried it deeply into his fingernail. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about chadz... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the money that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant squirels, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
