Author Topic: An American walks into an English pub and orders a Budweiser...(mean jokes)  (Read 5027 times)

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Offline Panos_

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Barman: Oh, you must be American.

American: You can tell from my order and accent, huh?

Barman: No, because you're the fattest fuck I've ever seen.
« Last Edit: December 24, 2015, 04:31:40 pm by Panos_the_Bear »
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Offline Panos_

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Re: An American walks into an English pub and orders a Budweiser...
« Reply #1 on: December 15, 2015, 01:56:35 pm »
+8
Polish guy walks up to the counter:

Pole: Can I get some kielbasa please?

Cashier: Oh you must be Polish.

Pole: So if I get a taco I must be Mexican, if I get a pizza I must be Italian?

Cashier: No, it's just that this is a hardware store.
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Offline Panos_

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Re: An American walks into an English pub and orders a Budweiser...
« Reply #2 on: December 15, 2015, 01:57:25 pm »
+11
You know why norwegians always have one swedish friend?

So they can park in handicap spots.
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Offline Vibe

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not very funny
« Reply #3 on: December 15, 2015, 01:57:51 pm »
+17
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Offline Panos_

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Re: An American walks into an English pub and orders a Budweiser...
« Reply #4 on: December 15, 2015, 01:58:50 pm »
+6
A polish boy comes home from elementary school very excited.

"Mom! Mom! Today the teacher asked a question and I knew the answer!"

"Really, son? What was the question??"

"Who farted?"
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Offline Panos_

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Re: An American walks into an English pub and orders a Budweiser...
« Reply #5 on: December 15, 2015, 02:01:31 pm »
+41
"What's your name?", asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike.

" Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.

"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.

"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"

And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.

The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.

"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.

"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."
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Offline Panos_

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Re: An American walks into an English pub and orders a Budweiser...
« Reply #6 on: December 15, 2015, 02:02:13 pm »
+18
Two black men are walking down the street and they see a sign that says "Be white for 99 cents!" The first man says he has the dollar on him, the second man only has 98 cents. The first man says, okay, I'll go in and if it works, I'll give you the penny. First first man goes in and comes a while later. The second man asks "Can I have the penny?" The first man replies "Get a job!"
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Offline Panos_

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Re: An American walks into an English pub and orders a Budweiser...
« Reply #7 on: December 15, 2015, 02:08:38 pm »
+9
Two Pakistani men are sitting at a bar, one of them turns to the other and says "I bet I'm more Scottish than you,"

he continues, "I wear a kilt, I drink whiskey, I eat haggis, and I know all the words to Flower of Scotland."

The other, only half listening turns to him and says "get tae fuck ya paki cunt."
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Offline Panos_

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Re: An American walks into an English pub and orders a Budweiser...
« Reply #8 on: December 15, 2015, 02:09:49 pm »
+6
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Offline Golem

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Re: An American walks into an English pub and orders a Budweiser...
« Reply #9 on: December 15, 2015, 02:13:47 pm »
+1
All women would look like hookers?
This is about being straight out retarded. Children see in slow motion like owls.

Offline Panos_

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Re: An American walks into an English pub and orders a Budweiser...
« Reply #10 on: December 15, 2015, 04:40:35 pm »
+5
A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."
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Offline Panos_

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Re: An American walks into an English pub and orders a Budweiser...
« Reply #11 on: December 15, 2015, 04:41:32 pm »
+4
"What's the hardest part of eating a vegetable?"
"The wheelchair"
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Offline Panos_

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Re: An American walks into an English pub and orders a Budweiser...
« Reply #12 on: December 15, 2015, 04:42:54 pm »
+5
If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist
black people would rob me
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Offline Panos_

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Re: An American walks into an English pub and orders a Budweiser...
« Reply #13 on: December 15, 2015, 04:45:42 pm »
+12
A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes, the Greek guy says, "well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "we have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "we Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "but we built the Roman Empire"
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "we invented sex!"
The Italian thinks for a couple of seconds and replies quietly, "that is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"
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Offline Panos_

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Re: An American walks into an English pub and orders a Budweiser...
« Reply #14 on: December 15, 2015, 04:47:52 pm »
+15
3 Greeks and 3 Turks are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the 3 Turks each buy tickets and watch as the 3 Greeks buy only a single ticket.
"How are 3 people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one Turk. "Watch and you'll see," answers one Greek.
 They all board the train. The Turks take their respective seats but all three Greeks cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, " Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
 The Turks saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Turks decide to copy the Greeks on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Greeks don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Turk. "Watch and you'll see," answers a Greek. When they board the train the 3 Turks cram into a restroom and the 3 Greeks cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Greeks leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Turks are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

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