I agree that Kafein is an idiot.
Back on topic, please let's stop throwing shit at each other.
(Here is some more sober theories for the extremists on both sides)
Putin is doing this mainly for himself to gain popularity and his re-election. (Just like it can be argued Bush did..)
If Ukraine would join EU, or just simply fall under the western sphere of influence, Russia wouldn't have been "pushed" so far west since the 1550s. He manages to create the idea in many Russian people that Russia and Russians well being is threatened by the west, which is utter bullshit. Germans or French are not threatened culturally by the EU, why should Russians.
The EU:
To understand what is really going on here, we first have to understand what EU is. EU is primarily a mechanism to transfer power from the political governments to the owners of Capital. Before EU, any country could protect their industry, threaten to stop coal transfers, block the sale of cheese or water. Basically, every country could do like Russia do now: Stop the flow of gas, give cheaper gas/oil to their friends, and trade it for anything else that might have been agreed upon. Be it visas or loyalty or simply peace.
The problem with this, for me and you, is that it is horribly inefficient (And leads to an abudance of wars..). The system quickly becomes extremely complex, and elected, incompetent politicians don't have a chance to understand or react quickly to what the market (you) requires. Thus Western Europe have been growing for nearly 70 years while the east have been left in the dust, materialistically speaking. Basically, EU transforms all assets one could normally bargain with into Money. Those that have power in the EU are those with Money, not governments, but private individuals, and in the end, you, the consumer. (If you choose to stop buying your local Cheese and opt for French cheese, because it's just better, then that is a small vote in the capitalist system to the French to produce more and your local cheese to GET BETTER or DIE.)
That is, in essence, the democratic power of (Fair) capitalism. Less power to government, more to you.
Now, Putin knows exactly what this means. He knows what access to the good shit would do to a Russian economy. He knows how his own power would be obliterated if Russia itself would join such an organization. And he knows that Ukraine is just one step on the way to Russia..
Now, one could take the perspective globally, which would benefit Putins point of view even more. Russia has the largest landmass of any country on earth and they probably only have very rough estimates of the resources they control. It is not conspiratorical to say that one day, perhaps even now, the rest of the world hungers for those resources. Russia is not Belgium..
Thats 2 reasons for why Putin does like he does. 1 to keep himself in power, 2nd is to keep EU as far away as possible. In the meanwhile, Russians have to suffer under a rotten kleptocracy, and Ukraine will be kept down and weak as a buffer.
Sad, but I think it is the bitter truth. For Ukraine, I hope you get to keep at least the east, and don't take too long getting up to speed and showing Russia what a fair (non corrupt), democratic capitalism can do. Go west, then go back home with lessons learned and fix home.