As a response to Tristan's post of "Fair enough, you've been permabanned. To get unbanned please post a 1500-word essay on why cheating is bad and you are remorseful of it. Feel free to explain why what you were doing what wasn't cheating as well at some point. Alternatively, you can buy a new key", I will be outlining my mistakes, my remorse, and how I’m going to move forward from this situation. If Tristan sees fit to unban me, then I will try my best to reintegrate into the cRPG community -- knowing full well -- that half of our small community will never forgive the atrocities I have committed. That is something I will have to live with as long as I play this game, and a burden I shall carry alone.
In terms of the real world, cheating has consequences, so it only makes sense that those consequences should be upheld in our tight-knit online community as well; otherwise, it would not only be hindering the fun of the other players, but it would also catastrophically impact the integrity of the game. I cheated, no doubt about it. It was an inconsiderate and despicable act that I alone performed. This essay will not be about me making excuses on that unspeakable sin -- that far too often is now commonplace -- but instead, it will be about owning up to that mistake and making sure it is never committed again.
Cheating can be categorized in a few different ways, but in the end, it comes down to moral character. Although I am reticent to admit it, my moral character as of late has been lacking. No amount of soul searching or aimless thought can clear me of any heinous action, for it will always be a black stain on my reputation and character. I cheated and was dishonest, I didn’t just cheat in the game and arbitrarily abuse one of the most renowned parts of Mount and Blade; I cheated the players of cRPG, and ultimately, I cheated myself. There are rules and structure in place for a reason, without those rules and regulation -- and without the courageous e-heroes that enforce them -- this niche game called cRPG would erupt into anarchy and most likely, dissolve into the pit of MODDB forgotten Mount and Blade: Warband mods.
I tried once to express my remorse in the cRPG discord and directly at Tristan, this encounter failed atrociously. The main reason was I failed to admit my own shortcomings, while the secondary reason is I was not clear in my explanation. Tristan, fellow cRPG players, admins, casuals, pros and new players, I want to take this moment to directly express my unflinching remorse for my actions. I cheated, I did unspeakable acts and regret my actions, past and present. The most egregious of the recent actions was the vitriol which I expressed towards our head admin, Tristan. It is uncalled for, unprofessional and ultimately, extremely petty. I was allowed to stay in the game, I just had to put up with a few insults in discord and in-game and that would have been the end of it. I took everything too literally and personally and now we are here. I’m asking for forgiveness, I’m asking to be let back into this special community, with the great players, admins and balancers -- all of which do a thankless and underappreciated job in their free time.
Most people will not accept my apology or this essay and that is their right and honestly, it is warranted, but if any wiggle room exists, I promise to withhold the integrity of the game. I promise not to bad talk admins, talk back to them, give them any grief. At this point, it is my desire to enjoy the game with the few players that still allow me to hang around, the ones that do not throw my past misgivings in my face every chance they get-- while it may sound like an ideal outcome, it is way more than I deserve.
I will have to bear the burden of living out the days in cRPG as a cheater. My word will mean next to nothing, my opinion will fall on deaf ears for the duration that his mod exists. A small price to pay to be able to enjoy a game with friends that we all hold dear and love. Otherwise, why would I even put myself through this, if it was not worth it? I can just move on to the next game, or quit gaming altogether. Ultimately I do think writing this 1500 word unban essay is worth it.
I doubt anyone will want to listen to why I cheated in the first place, but here it goes. Years ago, I was being taught a computer science and programming. I was curious, could I apply this skill to games that I was currently playing, but the point for me wasn’t to cheat to be better at the game, no, the point for me was if I could manipulate my tools, to do what I wanted it to do in the game. I was curious and see how far I could take my knowledge. I realized last year, that it was not fair to the other players in the game. When I came back a few weeks ago, I have long-since destroyed my suite of tools and realized my mistake with what I have been doing. Doesn’t make right on what I did and it was absolutely cheating under any definition of the word.
If you take Merriam Webster definition of cheating: “to deprive of something valuable by the use of deceit or fraud”, “to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice”, “to practice fraud or trickery”, and finally “to violate rules dishonestly”. I fall under every definition in that book.
John D. MacDonald was a famous writer in the early 1900s, who’s famous titles include the Travis McGee series and The Executioners, that the film “Cape Fear” was adapted from, probably said it best “Integrity is not a conditional word. It doesn't blow in the wind or change with the weather. It is your inner image of yourself, and if you look in there and see a man who won't cheat, then you know he never will”
I truly feel that my integrity is where it’s supposed to have been all along. It is a hard ask for the cRPG community and cRPG admins to accept this essay, but that is exactly what I’m doing here today. Do I deserve a second chance? Not my call to make, all I could do is admit to my wrongdoing and hope for the best and write this essay for all who venture the forum to remind us of my heinous crimes.
I do not want this mod to die, I do not think this mod is shit and would like to be around during the revival. I had plenty of fun in this game the last few weeks, just like everyone else and would like to continue and even help any way that I can, giving time permitted. I currently invest in the game as a fifteen dollar a month donor. I highlight this not to give an exception to a cheater, but to show that I am committed to the future of cRPG. I also gave a positive review in MOD Database, once again for the same reason as aforementioned. I do not want to drive new players away, but the opposite, I want new players to come in. I am committed to being an upstanding player in cRPG.
This part that follows will be pointed at directly to Tristan. Tristan, you were right, about everything. I was smug, I was condescending, I didn’t admit fault and my recent behavior has been disruptive at best. That is not what I promise to do when I said I wanted to be an upstanding citizen of cRPG. It is the total opposite. I apologize to you directly, any inconvenience, time wasted I have caused and any issues I might have bestowed upon. I now realize that no matter what my feeling are towards you, I need to respect the position and authority that comes with Head North America Admin, as one would do in the military. You don’t necessarily have to respect the man, but you have to respect the rank and in this game Tristan, you outrank me, in every way possible. Now moving forward, if allowed to do so, I will not speak at all towards you in-game or on discord and respect and uphold any position you seem fit. To be very clear, I did cheat and I admit fault, I’m a cheater all around.
There it is folks, poured my heart and soul into this essay and now it is upon you to decide my outcome. No reason to take a word of a cheater, but if allowed, promise to move forward from my cheating days and help cRPG, not hinder it or ruin anyone’s fun. I do not hold ill will or grudges, because this was brought on by myself and myself alone. My last log was a year ago and I plan on keeping it back there, I will not be looking back, but looking forward. I will strive to be the role model player that wants this community made Warband mod to thrive, follow the rules and be an all-around pleasure to play with and wish not for cRPG be a victim of another abandoned project, with all the potential in the world, but just “couldn’t make it”. I know this will not happen and I fully support the thankless job of the devs, admin team members, and balancers. Thank you for your time.
EDIT: Autoblock is implied in my essay, but just so no misunderstanding. Yes, I autoed
Very Respectfully
Merrrica
