Previously on Dramastratus:
Bryggan woke to screams, yells, and trumpets sounding. He had fallen asleep on his horse, and the sudden cacaphony caused him to fall out of his saddle. Most of his men had fallen asleep, and now the enemy was tearing through them. Through the slight moonlight piercing the overhead branches, Bryggan could see nothing but chaos. The few who had remained awake were vastly outnumbered and were being cut down, while those slumbering were murdered in their sleep. Bryggan tried to scramble up and grab his sword, but suddenly was aware of a great pain in his chest.
'Damn, a crossbow bolt got me,' he thought. He grasped around his chest, but could find no bolt and no blood. His chest felt constricted, like an elephant was sitting on him. 'Fuck this', he thought, 'I gotta fight!" Summoning all his will power, he stood up and brandished his sword. He tried to yell a battle cry, but he could not breath. Through his blurred vision he saw Snicklez, Magafox, Conrad and Steve Rogers frantically trying to defend their sleeping comrades. Damn good men those- true heroes. And he could have sworn he seen his wife, the Empress, fighting as well. He had to help them.
He ran several paces before the dizziness overcame him, and he crashed down in some brush unconscious.
He sort of came to some time later. He was being dragged through the underbrush by someone he could not make out. Whoever was pulling him was not a friend- they were taking no care for his comfort, and this was damned uncomfortable. 'Must be Rostham', he figured. Pulling him out of the battle to slit his throat so he won't have to deal with the political aftermath of killing a prisoner- a regal prisoner. Or maybe a bandit. The forests were full of them. Either he would be killed and stripped of his armour, or perhaps his captor would recognize him and ransom him. Though who would pay the higher ransom? His friends or his enemies?
Bryggan tried moving again. He couldn't. He was so damn weak. His chest was giving him occasional stabbing pain, and he felt ill. But no blood. Had someone hit him in the chest with a hammer? Whatever it was, he felt this was the end. Either a slit throat or a slow death. He felt this should bother him, but it didn't. He had had a good life. More adventures than most men- a peasant, a vassal, High King, a trader, and finally Emperor. Though an ignominious death did not suit him. He had meant to die gloriously on the battle field, surrounded by slain enemies, knowing that his heirs would take his place... ooh, more pain in his heart.
He could no longer open his eyes. The figure dragging him pulled him through a shallow forest stream. The water was cold, filling through the cracks in his armour. He could feel the rounded rocks sliding under his armour. 'Must be easier for him, pulling me through this,' was his last thought before oblivion overtook him.
Exactly one month ago:
The small mountainside encampment was full of rejoicing. Tambourines rang and shouts and songs filled the air. Temüjin, the chief's son, a mere lad of 16 years had killed his first warrior. And not just any warrior, but a lowlander, clad in heavy transitional armour, with the fierce weapons of the city folk on him. Truly an auspicious first kill.
This was a good omen, for these steppe bandits had fallen on hard times since Eques took the lowlands. Their patrols made banditry difficult if not impossible, and without thieving life in the highlands was difficult. But now Temüjin had killed a mighty warrior. An old one, to be honest, but very scarred- a true veteran. This was a good sign indeed.
But, alas, the bandit camp's joy was to be short lived. For suddenly, amidst all the dancing and festivities, the corpse, placed in a central bier ready to be lit come sundown, suddenly sat up.
The music stopped, the dancing stopped, all conversations stopped. Everyone stared at the corpse, who was sitting up, very much alive, and was staring back at them. "chadz' Bloody Balls," it cursed, "I'm alive!"
Everyone froze, stunned. After a very long awkward silence, the figure stood up. "I would like to thank you for saving my life," he said, "when I fell in the forest during my battle, I thought I was a goner. But obviously one of you found me and pulled me to safety. I had no idea if it was a friend or foe, but I am happy to see it was a friend."
For the first time since the 'body' woke up, all eyes left the assumed corpse and turned on Temüjin. "No,' he cried, 'he had no heartbeat! He was dead!"
The eyes on him now turned to glares. "You claimed to have killed this warrior,' Temüjin's father Chinggis said, 'and now we see it is a lie. You are no man, Temüjin, you are still a boy- put him back in the women's camp. As for the stranger, we shall sacrifice him at high noon tomorrow."
The stranger paced in the yurt. He knew he was surrounded by guards, and escape seemed impossible. He had to think of something. He dug his hands in his pockets and felt a wad of paper. He opened it and read it. 'Yo, dude, I know your aren't into science and shit,' it said, 'but on the 11th there is going to be a solar eclipse at 10 am. Like the sun going black for a bit. Thought you might think that was cool.' The stranger smiled. The paper was signed Wix the Engineer. The kind of guy who would know that shit.
He yelled for the guards. When they came he announced, "Behold. I am the Chosen One of chadz. I am your prisoner, but I tomorrow at ten o'clock I shall show you my powers. Assemble all your tribe and witness my powers over nature!"
The guards shrugged. "Ok,' the leader said, but can you make it 11? There's a solar eclipse tomorrow, and most of us want to see it."
* * *
AT 11 o'clock the next day, the stranger stood before the tribe who were waiting expectantly. The solar eclipse was actually pretty boring, just the sun going dark for a bit, then lighting up again. They had all yawned collectively, and were now ready for something exciting. The prisoner, however, looked quite shaken and nervous.
Time passed, and just when the steppe bandits were thinking, 'fuck this, let's kill this shithead', a hand appeared out of the sky and pointed at the captive, and the voice of chadz rang out, saying "Deux ex machina!"
The people stood frozen, speechless.
Except for one. "Fuck you fuckers, fuck you all," screamed Temüjin, "He is dead!!!" And with that he charged forward and hit the captive on the head with a great maul. Despite his youth, he smashed harder than Plumbo and Rohypnol put together, and the captive dropped. And it was the last thing he did, for 30 tartar arrows from 30 horn bows pierced him.
The silence that followed was deafening. Finally Chinggis went to the captive and checked for a pulse. "He lives", he said, "and I name him Heartless, for Temüjin said he had no heartbeat.."
* * *
Heartless loved the life of a bandit. He often wondered what he was before that mallet struck him in the head, and it worried him. Had he been a peasant? He hoped not. He had no memories from before that fateful smack, but he seemed born for the steppe bandit life. He could ride a horse with great skill, but was not able to master the horse archery required of a steppe bandit. Maybe he was just a cow herd before this. True, he was found with heavy armour on him, but from what he heard all the lowlanders were given such gear for battles.
But whatever he had been, he was pure bandit now. And he had a wealthy target in his sights now. Some filthy rich merchant wandering about stupidly. Heartless crept low among the bushes. His horse was lying down too, as it was trained to do so. What the hell, he would rush him now. He grunted a command to his steed, which jumped up just as Heartless mounted in one fluid motion, then the two rushed the merchant. A fine fat ransom, Heartless thought to himself chuckling. Too easy.
But then, out of nowhere, 6 pikemen appeared. Heartless pulled on the reins, but knew it was too late. His horse would be pierced, and himself soon after. This merchant was no fool.
"HOLD" the merchant yelled. The 6 pikemen held, as did Heartless. 'WTF' he thought.
"Bryggan! Is that you?" the merchant cried.
"Um, sure," Heartless replied, happy not to be skewered.
"It is I, Lord Zenox," the merchant said, "I see you are following the plan, though I should warn you, things have changed. Durquba has not fallen yet, so Acre will not be joining you soon. King James is holding fast, and the enemy is throwing troops upon troops upon its walls."
"Um, good?" Heartless responded.
"Definitely good," Zenox, "While they enjoy the xp, they are wearing their armies down. Perhaps soon we will be on equal footing, and a real war may begin."
"Sure, that would be great," Heartless said, eyeing the pikemen.
"But," Zenox continued, "I'm sure you are here incognito, right?" And he winked.
"Um, yeah," Heartless said, wondering what incognito meant.
"Okay, I'll sneak off then," Zenox continued, "but watch out for bandits. There's a lot of them out here, which is why I always keep my personal guard close. Fortunately only the stupidest ones try attack me." And with a hearty laugh he left.
* * *
A week or two later, a prisoner was brought into camp. Heartless thought nothing of it, for this man had only damaged gear but the bandits had decided to keep him alive in case there was at least some measly ransom. He had no interest in the fellow, but he had accidentally caught his eye and the guy had winked at him. A knowing wink. Finally curiosity had got the better of him, and he went to him.
"I am the one they call Heartless," he said, "of the Ragged Dog clan. Who are you?"
"Right", smiled the prisoner, "I'm Bl.. er, Bey Liu, of the Horny Bitch clan". And then he winked again.
Heartless wrinkled his nose. What the hell was this? He needed to find out. With a wave of his hand, he dismissed the guards. As soon as they left, the prisoner Bey Liu smiled at him. "Dammit Bryggan, where the fuck were you? The empire is wondering what the hell..."
He would have continued, but Chinggis entered. "Who is this Bryggan you are talking about?" he demanded.
"Um," Bey Liu stammered, "well, there is this empire in NA, and this guy looks just like the emperor there. I myself don't know too much, as I am just a mere steppe bandit. Just like you guys."
"Take him away', Chinggis ordered. When the guards dragged Bey Liu away, Chinggis looked at Heartless. "You told me about the merchant, and now this fellow thinks you are this NA emperor too. But I do not believe this. NA leaders are skilled in battle, where you kinda suck, and NA Kings and Emperors have class and manners, whereas you... well, you are peasant stock."
"Does it matter?" Bryggan laughed, "I have fooled two people. Imagine if I went to NA? I could fool many more, and demand gold and women and livestock to bring back to the village."
"News travels slow to these parts," Chinggis said, "but I have heard of a Bryg Khan. The last I heard, he had almost taken over all of NA. I am sure by this time he has done so. If this is the case, you could bring many riches back to our lands."
Heartless laughed and smacked old Chinggis on the back. "I think it's a crazy, stupid plan, so I love it."
* * *
The men were weary, the donkeys were weary and the weather was dreary. Heartless, aka the Emperor Bryggan, had had his first experience of wine in Curaw, and it proved much stronger than the fermented yak's milk he had been drinking for the last month. He had awoken on a saddle, hungover as shit, with his servants telling him he had decided to go to Reyvadin to buy horses at 3:30 in the morning cuz somebody in the bar had told him that was the place to go. 'What the hell', he figured, 'horses are important."
And as he was thinking this, he heard a very sharp 'HALT!"
Kinda made him think he should have posted outriders and perhaps a vanguard. But it was too late.
"Who the fuck are you?" He mumbled.
"Lord Thalion, Warden of Mithrim," the other answered, "if you come in peace, you may trade in unrestricted zones, but you.. wait... Bloody hell, is that Bryggan?"
Heartless quickly woke up at that. He eyed the patrol. Nice, shiny armour. Rich. No doubt a vassal of this Emperor Bryggan.
"Yes, yes," he answered, "Iam the Bryg Khan... er, Emperor. I, um, currently have need of all your armour and gear, so please hand it over."
"Bloody hell, Bryggan, "Thalion answered, "you were cocky before, but this takes the cake."
Heartless's heart froze. SHIT! He tried to bluff. "ER, um, Thaldorian, I order you to lay down your arms.
"Fuck you, Bryggan," Thalion said, "dammit, you used to be cool." He then wheeled his horse back to his own troops and ordered them into formation. Heartless ran back and tried to get his men in position. "We barely got any weapons," his Noyan shouted at him, 'you just bought a shitload of armour and nothing else."
"Oh fuck," Heartless thought, "Can things get any worse?" And as he thought this, a soldier rode up to him, breathless. "Another army is approaching from behind sir."
'Oh double fuck," Heartless thought. Then a second rider approached. "The leader of the new army, sir," he said, 'wishes to talk to you. And um, it is a lady."
"Let her in", he mumbled. As far as cons were going, this one was failing fast.
The lady soon approached, and, Heartless was glad to see, was extremely pretty. But she walked like a man, and had a gruff voice like a man. "By the Virgin!" she scowled, "you fuct up again!" With that she slapped him full on the face. Heartless was stunned, but he knew how to calm down pretty girls. "Perhaps if we discussed this over a glass of wine", he suggested, knowing a girl with a buzz on was putty in his hands. But that was not to be. She slapped him again. "You stupid drunk," she yelled, "I should leave you to die! By marrying you I may have got an empire but I also got a stupid oaf of a husband who makes my life more miserable than that of the poorest peasant girl."
"Um, my wife?" Heartless said.
"GRRRRRRRRRR!", she continued, "I was better off a widow, but I see you're back, so I'll give you some bloody weapons. Just make sure you make good use of them, or you'll be on the couch for the rest of your life!"
"Um, ok," Heartless said.
* * *
The battle was bloody. Bodies were piled up in the stream between the two armies, and the water ran red. What had seemed like a gank turned into an honest battle. But Heartless was alive. He had won. He also learned not to underestimate his enemy. Skipping the forward spawns and the equipment chests... even a healing tent... had cost his men a lot. They had all fought like heroes. They obeyed orders, held the stream side, then attacked like a true army. Heartless liked that. Perhaps he would continue to play the part of emperor for a little longer. Bryggan the Emperor. Bryg Khan.
