13K diplomacy

[Bryggan]

  News Bulletin:  Dirk just attacked Mechin... um, I was waiting for him to get online to discuss this...  so, after this battle the following will be in effect:

We of the Thirteen Knights would like to extend an olive branch to LCO.  We have laid waste to their lands, slaying their peasants and ravaging their cattle, but all they say is, 'Have fun, thanks for providing some battles'.  This has sorta thrown us off balance.  So we have decided they are just too cool to remain in a state of war with them.  We would like to send them an ambassador of goodwill, but no one knows where they are.

This will free up our armies for our next campaign against an evil that is blighting the land.  Which will be explained in an extremely long and very  extremely RP post hidden from the ADD people in the spoilers below.

The Set Up:

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As you know, when I was fighting for the Acre banner, King James would always send me on the most dangerous missions.  I was the one to take New Slekzh Castle for them, I was the one who went deep into G-Force lands to continue our war there, I was the one who fought the squids in field battles.  He was also the one that told me where Thurnis Haley's caravan was.  I attacked it and took it, but was surprised to see there were two (or three) huge Squid armies  I had expected one, so I had Dirk there to fight a rearguard action, sacrificing his army.  But then another one appeared, and chased me to the very gates of New Yruma castle where they crushed me.  I was lucky to escape with my life!

The Secret:

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Have you ever wondered why such a foul mouthed drunken lout like Bravo could be made pope?  I asked him once when he was in a drunken haze, and he told me Reinhardt had given him the post as a reward for keeping a secret.  I asked him what the secret was, and he said if he told me it wouldn't be a secret.  Then I said he was full of shit, and there was no secret.  He then screamed at me and said I knew nothing, and then proceeded to tell me this little tale.

In his younger days he had been a wandering friar, constantly drunk and constantly broke.  One day he entered the village of New Shulus where a young Prince Reinhardt was sitting with his army.  Now we all know what a man-whore Reinhardt was, and he had his eye on this very pretty but unfortunately virtuous peasant woman.  He really, really wanted to do her, but she refused any kind of premarital relations.  A very horny and frustrated saw the drunken Friar Bravo and ordered him to perform a quickie marriage.  The two were united as one, Reinhardt had his way with her, then he promptly left, taking Bravo along to keep him quiet, and the girl was left to her own devices.

The Truth

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I fought 11 battles for while under the Acre banner and 11 as an independent.  Since that terrible defeat by the Squids, there has not been an Acre member in one of my battles, even though members of their allied factions quite often signed under pseudonms.  In fact, Acre has merced against me in every one.  So how could I go from the favourite general to the most hated enemy?  It is because King James wants me dead.  He must have got the story from Pope Bravo, and realizing I was born in New Shulus and noticing the fact that I have a striking resemblance to Reinhardt, he realized I am the only remaining living proof that due to Bravo marrying Reinhardt and the peasant girl, it makes him a bastard.  You could ask Bravo yourself, but he seems to have 'disappeared'.  Probably on a diplomatic mission to Gerontoa for the next ten years, or maybe in the dungeon of Slekzh castle.

At first he threw me in the front lines, giving me the most dangerous missions hoping the AI defenders or G-Force or the Squids would do his dirty work for him, but when that didn't work, he gave orders to Acre to sign up against me every chance they could.  I lost my 950 man army to AA's 150 mainly due to Axeman.  Why would Acre help a faction that would later attack them?  Because my death was more important to James than were his kingdom.

The Claimant Quest

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This surely proves that I am the legitimate first born of Reinhardt, who impregnated my mother on that single tryst with her.  It all adds up.  So, to claim my throne from the bastard James, I will send my armies into Acre Land.  I also invite all honest Acre Lords to support me as the true King of Acre.  His rule is aberration in the eyes of chadz and Armagon and must be ended.  As king I will ensure the rights of the lords, um, and ensure the rights of the common people... reward those who come to my banner early... oh what else was there?  Well, I'll be happy to tell you whatever you want to hear.

[Voncrow]

+1 for rp but aren't you a heretic?

[Screaming Idiot]

lol

[Bryggan]

+1 for rp but aren't you a heretic?

Heretic or follower of the one true way?  I am a lot of things, and I am quite happy to change who I am for political gain.  Quite awhile I wrote the following to gain Acre support:

We would advise the pious members of the Kingdom of Acre of the proper prayer of Calradia:

Our chadz who art in programming
Hallowed be thy code
Thy patches come, thy will be done
On Calradia as it is in Austria
Give us this day our daily ticks
and forgive us our Team kills
as we forgive them that team kill us.
And lead us not into trolling
but deliver us from PITAs
For thine is the Strat Map,
The E-Peen and the Glory,
For ever and ever,
Amen

So, like any good ruler, I will pretend to embrace their religion at the beginning, then as I gradually consolidate my power a few things will change.  A few people will disappear, a few others will get appointed to positions of power, a few small laws will be changed... right til I'm ready for the real purges.  Think Mary, Queen of Scots aka bloody Mary.

And yes, I love quoting myself.

[Voncrow]

Heretic or follower of the one true way?  I am a lot of things, and I am quite happy to change who I am for political gain.  Quite awhile I wrote the following to gain Acre support:

So, like any good ruler, I will pretend to embrace their religion at the beginning, then as I gradually consolidate my power a few things will change.  A few people will disappear, a few others will get appointed to positions of power, a few small laws will be changed... right til I'm ready for the real purges.  Think Mary, Queen of Scots aka bloody Mary.

And yes, I love quoting myself.

I'm sold, can I be your strat peon?

[njames89]

Bryggan... Ain't nobody got time fo dat

[Bryggan]

Bryggan... Ain't nobody got time fo dat

There is plenty of time.  I'll just quick march over there, you guys transfer all the fiefs to me and everyone I trust or can buy join my faction while anyone else who doesn't want me as their king will be murdered in their sleep are free to leave- after one last party where they will be given accommodations for the night.

You will renounce any claim to the throne, and will spend the rest of your life in a Frisian monastery where you will get ass raped all day and all night live a life of peace and quiet contemplation.  I will become the King of Acre, and as part of my job as Defender of the Faith, I will torture and burn anyone who does not follow my version of the proper worship of the Nerfer chadz.

So quit being so negative James, if we work together we can do this!!!

[dreadnok]

is this real life shit or word of warcraft shit

[Bryggan]

LOL YOUR DAD GAVE YOU UP BECAUSE YOUR MOTHER WAS OF INFERIOR SOCIOECONOMIC STATUS

Dude, c'mon man. That's my mom.

[njames89]

James relayed a threatening message to the camp of the 13 Knights. It read...


"Tactical hockey rinks and wenches have been deployed. You won't make it a hundred yards into our lands pagans!"

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[WITCHCRAFT]

LOL YOUR DAD GAVE YOU UP BECAUSE YOUR MOTHER WAS OF INFERIOR SOCIOECONOMIC STATUS

     -Havelle, drunken monologue in bathroom mirror, 2014

James relayed a threatening message to the camp of the 13 Knights. It read...

"Tactical hockey rinks and wenches have been deployed. You won't make it a hundred yards into our lands pagans!"

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its me im the deployed wench

[Bryggan]

Due to some top super spy intelligence gathering, we have learned King James plans on deploying tactical hockey rinks and wenches to delay or stop our armies (can't reveal my source of course, but let me assure you it a very, very high ranking Acre official).

Now there is one thing my men are famous for, and that is their love for violence and bloodshed.  So the big question is, how do we get them to not play hockey and fight battles instead?  Needless to say, Dirk and Albus said, 'why would we?' and I said, 'shut up!' (these guys have no idea about e-peen and how important it is).

To counter these measures I have installed playstations with EA's NHL 2015 on the backs of donkeys, the plan being the guys will be so engrossed they won't see the rinks.  As for the wenches, if it actually is Witchcraft that might not be a problem... sorry Witchcraft, but hey.  If they are actually sexy hot wenches... well, I really doubt there are any.

Now are men are ready to move, once they recover from their injuries picked up while playing a little shinny on this rink we found outside of New Tosdhar... well, actually I just heard that my team made it to the finals of the New Tosdhar Cup... but in a day or two, we'll be heading out and then we'll ravage and destroy...

Excuse me miss, you're not supposed to be in here... What?  You got a thing for drunken pagan warriors you say?  Well it just so happens... DAMMIT JEREMUS, QUIT TAKING DICTATION AND GET OUT OF MY TENT!!!!

[njames89]

Don't worry Bryggan we had the whoremaster send your favorite girl

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[dreadnok]

LOL YOUR DAD GAVE YOU UP BECAUSE YOUR MOTHER WAS OF INFERIOR SOCIOECONOMIC STATUS

haveeeeeelllllleeeeeeeeee!!!

[Bryggan]

Don't worry Bryggan we had the whoremaster send your favorite girl

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You mean the female one? That walks upright?