Sci-fi short story, The Tortuga

[Bjord]

It's a short story about a ship and her crew, not even close to finished but I am done with the intro. Tell me what you think!

(click to show/hide)

Darkness surrounded the Tortuga with only the distant suns casting a muddied reflection on the armour plating of her raven
black hull. The hull was blemished with signs of combat, dents and various damages had roughed the Tortuga. Despite her name, the corvette-class ship
had a predator demeanor; long and elegant lines formed a beaklike point below the bridge. Covering the area where one would
 otherwise have windows or other transparent materials, thick, ribbed blast shields lay fixed, protecting her crew and captain.
 The bridge area was merged with the main part of the hull, which was of moderate size while still keeping a fairly slim appearance and had a downward arch.
 Her wings, spanning a third of the Tortuga’s size, were pointed slightly downward from the hull, similar to a hawk hunting its prey in fast descent.
 The wings formed a crescent moon shape with a faint hint of curving around their sharp edges. Her rear part was less elegant, as if comparing
the hilt of a sword with its blade. It was much larger than any part of the Tortuga and on its backside, two ion drive engines sat and powered her propulsion.
 Normally they would fire up in a vibrant cyan colour emitting a spear of light, but now they remained silent and dark, like sleeping beasts in their caves.
 Mounting her belly was a single ion cannon half her size. The weapon was composed of two parts, a muzzle resembling the shape of a double-edged sword
 and an energy condenser where the devastating force was first accumulated. A pair of particle-accelerator turrets with symmetrical design were installed on
top of both wings, designed to fend against smaller vessels and fighters. Their effectivity was, however, not only limited to smaller crafts, they were very
well capable of punching big holes into most hulls. Now, she lay adrift in the vast space, seemingly derelict. The truth however, couldn’t be farther from the apparent.

[Teeth]

Too much descriptive crap.

[B3RS3RK]

Too much descriptive crap.

Yeah.Descriptive shit is good, but it needs to be limited.Nobody wants to read a 10 page description of the fucking ship.

[djavo]

Why dont you write in Hungarian so I understand you.

[Bjord]

Too much descriptive crap.

Yeah, I guess. I wouldn't have included that much description if it hadn't been for teacher's input.

[Corwin]

It's crazy to comment unfinished story. 

[Leesin]

Way too descriptive of everything. I imagine when you introduce characters you will write 2 paragraphs describing every crease and blemish on their body and how many hairs they have on their ass.

Worst story ever.

[Gnjus]

Maybe you should use your in-game chat style instead of these long descriptions.

[B3RS3RK]

many hairs they have on their ass.

"The splendid and sparkling hair on his ass was long and plenty, running ín golden curls down his cheek to his anus."

[Logen]

Maybe you should use your in-game chat style instead of these long descriptions.

[Cyclopsided]

Maybe you should use your in-game chat style instead of these long descriptions.

The eremite of august, befallen on steps of obsidian. Skies of bronze, clouds of fire.

Our mind, vanish forever. You? No. He who battles, surrounded yet alone.

No man, no creature. Three hearts, yet none. Consumer of flesh.

You?

Never. It? Molten, out of ashes of the one, never rests. Tears of the soul, harbouring the unborn. Now?

No. It?

You. The three, three of the many but few.

A morning sky, dawn of the new. The chant of time, descending. You? Never.

Binary stars of azure, mantle of shining brilliance. He. No. Tranquil of death, to cease.

Now. The vectors of destruction arrived.

You? No.

Weep not.

[Dezilagel]

Roses are Red

Violets are Blue

This poem is better

Than whatever you do

[Logen]

Robert Jordan might well be Reborn in Bjord.

[Bjord]

 

I guess I'm no writer then. Fair enough, the people have spoken.

[Corwin]

I guess I'm no writer then. Fair enough, the people have spoken.

The only proper way to determine if you are writer or not, is to offer your best story to the public critique.
Mind you, your best , finished and polished story, so you wouldn't have any half ass excuses about anything.
Commenting on some lazy ass, half baked, unfinished introduction to story is senseless and pointless.

Pro tip: In stories, something usually happens!