List of participants:
DP - Druzhina player
B - bear with balalaika
NV - Noctivagant
FL - Fallen_Loki
V - Vovka (main villain)
AR - Author remark
DP & V speaks with terrible accent.
ACT I.
Curtains up.
Spectators could see a blind drunk man wears panties and "Treukh" (traditional Russian hat, which wears by majority of Russians daily all year long) only.
In one hand he holds half emptied bottle of vodka, in the other sawed-off Mosin gun.
Deeper on stage, in dark, you could see a drunk bear with balalaika in claws, it wears "Budyonovka" (another traditional Russian hat) on it's head.
Bear plays "Kalinka-malinka" (not too loud, as background) fairly well.
Both, bum and bear, mumbles on barbaric language something.
DP: "Please, stop" - yelds man suddenly.
"I can't bear that burden anymore. I must coonfess!"- he shouts and raise his hands in praying.
"Please, heroes of all community. Come to me, hear my crimes and sins!"
Loud sounds of thunder, hoofs and snicker. Bear stops playing.
Two mighty heroes, Noctivagant and Fallen_Loki, appears on the scene one rides the other (as surprise element it can be varied from day to day who rides on whom).
Both wears whight shiny plate armour, both have waving lances.
NV: "Who are you, petty mortal?! Why did you dare to summon us, heroes of community? Didn't you know, that we are busy exterminating blasphemy from cRPG and Strategus?! Answer NAO!!!" - Noctivagant says with charming calm voice.
DP: "Mighty heroes. I know who you are and what goodness and light you brings to the cRPG and Strategus on daily basis. I humbly beg you to listen my confession. Please. I can't carry this burden anymore"
NV: "Calm down, my son and tell me the truth. We can protect you, no matter whom you are afraid of"- yelds Noctivaganct with his beautiful manly voice.
DP: "I commit a heaviest crime. I know, that as orthodox heathen I don't have a soul (everyone know, that only educated western people with proper democracy have souls. And their pets too. - AR), but if I'll have one, the sin I bear would kill it instantly."
Silince.
DP: "I'm Druzhina clan member" - whisper drunken bum.
NV & FL simultaneously: "WHAT?!"- yields both heroes. (If it technically possible, lightning should spark from heroes' eyes - AR) Their lances begin to wave even more.
NV & FL: "How dare you, filthy sinner to summon us. Even your only presence defiles our noble spirits and bodies. Answer us or else!!!"
DP: "I know, that I do not worse to be in light of your presence, noble heroes. Please, let me finish. After that I'll shoot myself and let my pet bear eat wht has left of me. We didn't eat for a week, as usual Russians, by the way."
Both heroes knit their brows. Thought for a little moment (whcih should lasts 10 min., at least- AR)
NV & FL: "OK, filthy heathen, we let you speak. Try to surprise us, cause we know every sin that your cheating clan have made!"
DP: "Let me tell you all from the beginning..."
Bear starts to play "Katyusha" quietly. Curtains down. End of Act I.
ACT II.
Curtains up.
On scene DP & B only. DP deeply in his reminiscences.
He's young, fresh and well-looked guy. Wears proper outfit (jeans, T-shirt with some well-known to civilized people label).
Spectators should think, that he's quite happy, but actor, playing DP, must show, that something bothers him.
DP: "I have everything, what barbaric Russian could dream of. I have a log hut, pet bear (bear growls happily. Bear also looks very young, strong and fresh - AR) with balalaika. My liver is not that bad, though I drink like a proper Russian. But something bothers me. I want more. I want to be somebody! If only someone help me, I'll gladly sell him my cheap heathen orthodox soul!"
Loud sounds of thunder, heavy clouds of smoke and sulfur odor through all the scene.
Dark, mystic figure appears from smoke clouds. For a moment spectators see a horns on a head of that stranger, but it's only modern hair-cut.
V: "Hello, my fellow heathen orthodox Russian brother. My name is Vovka and I'm leader of the mighty Druzhina clan. Nice to meet you."
DP: "No way. Hello my fellow heathen orthodox Russian brother Vovka. I thought you do not speak with simple mortals. Gossips of mightiness of your clan well known to all Russian (and even some civilixed) players. What are you doing here, why do you spend your precious time on simple player like me?"
V: "Come on. You know, that you are special, you are Druzhina born player, I can tell!"
DP: "Indeed, but why, this is such an honour..."
V" Yes, yes. You knew it from the very second of playing cRPG. You knew, that you're destined to rule the world, rule ALL CALRADIA!!! Like our forefathers ruled the world IRL" (there strong myths between Russians, that back in the days they rules something and not been only gas/oil appendix to the civilized world. Descriptions and meanings of that myths could be found in fundamental studies of Kesh - AR)
DP: "You right, I did feel it in my veins. I even feel it now. Strength overwhelms me. What should I do to join mighty guild?"
V: "You should understand, that we must trial you before accepting you to Druzhina. I see, that you are mighty warrior and your battle skill indisputable. Your test will be the "Trial of Trust". You understand, that we must trust each other in the clan more, than relatives, more than husband and wife, more than tax-advisor and his client. To test your readiness you should give me your cRPG account, passport and Mastercard data!."
DP: "But why. I understand the necessary of passport and credit card data, but cRPG account - it is sacred. No?"
V: "AHA! You start to doubt in your clan, in your shield brothers! Did I really make mistake to think that you're worthy?!"
DP: "No, no, I undestand. I'll give you all you ask. Please take"
DP gives V beautiful crystal strongbox with something radiant within it.
V: "From now on I proclaim you are as warrior and shield-brother of Druzhina!!!"
V gives to DP Druzhina's insignia.
V: "Take this treukh and TS adress of our clan as token of our mutual respect. As bonus take this budyonovka for your pet-bear."
V goes back into darkness.
Curtains down and up again.
Nowadays. DP start his monologue.
DP: "All goes well. We fought, we laughed, we drank. Life was so intense. I felt meself happy. Nothing bothers me. Even disappearing MW armour and weapon from my account or fact, that I've began to receive only half of my monthly salary. Vovka has an answer for all this facts. Sweet Motherland needs you. We are at war now. You should have patience. And we don't mind. But once, I came to the forbidden site of cRPG. The one, which used by real, civilized people. The one in English. I was drunk. I knew in English, that London is the capital of Great Britain and I live in Russia only. But somehow I understood, that all our victories was false. We are nothing, but bunch of savage, barbaric cheaters. Civilized people even didn't blame us too harshly on that forum They explain, that such cheating behavior caused by our barbaric nature (which didn't have souls and, therefore, morality) and actions of our leader - Vovka. That thoughts went deeply into my mind. i couldn't sleep, eat and even play cRPG fro a moment. I start to summon Vovka. And thus he came...."
Curtains down, end of Act II.
ACT III
DP stands in praying pose, trying hard to summon Vovka.
DP: Vovka, our all mighty leader, please, come, I need your guidance. Uncertanty grows within me, please, come and relieve me from my doubts."
Loud sounds of thunder, heavy clouds of smoke and sulfur odor through all the scene.
Dark, mystic figure appears from smoke clouds. For a moment spectators see a horns on a head of that stranger, but it's only modern hair-cut.
V: "Hail to you, shield-brother, what burdens your heathen orthodox soul?"
DP:" Oh lord, please, explain, why those civilized people think, that we are filthy cheaters? I thought we fought honestly and won our wars by strength of our arms and your strategic genius."
V: "WHAT?! How did you know? Why did you read all that flase accusation in the first place?! There forum isn't orthodox, you've taken mortal sin, by reading it!!!"
DP: "My lord, I know, that I've commit a crime, but please, tell me that all their accusation false. You know everything and can divide lie from truth."
V: "You, filthy traitor, didn't deserve either lie, or truth! You betrayed me and your brothers! I condemn you and to worsen your state I'll tell you the truth. Yes, all our victories is lie, we cheat and I even can't explain you how, cause such dark and twisted those cheat ways are! We've won all our wars by only cheating. The mightiest, darkest and sophisticated cheat is - multi-accounting. Do you really thought, that we have that much clan-members as we say?! Stupid savage. We have only 10 players, all other is their copies summoned right from the hell!!! And that isn't all. Why do you think I take half of your hard-earned on oil-derrick roubles on monthly basis? Do you ready to know the deepest secrets of Druzhina? Our worst sins?!"
DP rolls on the floor wringing his hands.
DP: No master, please, no. I've heard enough, I can't bear this already!!!"
V: "No way you would be released before I tell you all our dirtiest secrets! Listen! Part of your money goes for buying masterworks on black Russian market. Yes, we buy those MW shit to beat the mightiest clan of all cRPG history- Mercs. Do you think we could beat em fair and squre?! HA HA HA! If so, you even dumber then average Druzhina player. Nobody could beat Mercs fair, cause they are cream of crops, their skill is unbearable, one of them could beat thousands dogs like you, average Druzhina player, are!!! But we've prevail! By our cheating only, but it doesnt matter!! Calradia will be ours!! And you know why?"
DP: "No, you liar! I want to cease my membership in clan!! I don't want to be a cheater!"
V laughs loudly/
V: "You, worm, let it be known, that bigger part of real money goes to devs as bribes. YES, WE PAY THEM ALL. And nobody could stop us from owning all Calradia, nobody!!!!"
Vovka's figure Melts into the smoke clouds.
DP, B, NV & FL on the stage.
All have their jaws on the floor, except DP.
DP: "Now, noble heroes, you understand my feelings. I didn't want to save meself, cause there is no redemtion for the Druzhina member, but please, tell all civilized people, what really is going on. Reveals all darkest secrets of those cheaters and my spirit would be avenged!"
On the end of phrase DP shoots out his brains with sawed-off Mosin gun right into shiny heroes' armour. B cries, almost like a man, and hugs both heroes. His tears wash some of brains and blood off the armour. Heroes' lances waves even more.
NV & FL: "Dear spectators. We sworn you to fight all cheats and evil in cRPG. Which means to humiliate Druzhina, cause they are the only cause and source of this disease. We won't put our lances down, till all that heathens will be punished! Come Misha (bear's name), you are pet and shouldn't answer for the crimes of your filthy owner. We'll find you new, proper, civilized one master, and you'll forget your previous one. We promise!"
All three (NV, FL & B) goes to the back of the stage, where sun is set.
Curtains down.
End of play.
