On the Noble and Fine Arte of Teamkilling
By ArchonAlarion
Disclaimer - Like many CRPG players, I have from time to time enjoyed a good brawl with my fellow teammates. In recent days, I have put the practice behind me to hone my lesser skills and avoid banishment from the theaters of war. Team killing is an altogether unchivalrous practice and certainly worthy of exile, but if one is to partake they should do so in such a way as to inspire awe and respect. Thus I do commit to write this article in the hopes that the fine arts of team killing should not fall by the wayside or become overshadowed by well meaning, but uncouth practice.
When you find yourself in battle, perhaps drunk or bored or spiteful, the natural inclination is to give your unsuspecting brethren a good knocking about. God has gifted the warrior with this peculiar humor so to derive the greatest pleasure from wanton backstabbing, such that no formal division of friend and enemy can match. Whereas the red text in the chatbox formerly invoked shame and sorrow, it now stands as a righteous, bloody testament to the spirit of Mars which hath overtaken thee. With merry glee, you hack ferociously at the napes and chops of those who were unfortunate to have ever wrongly called you friend and ally. As the blood soaks deep into the spawn point soil, more and more enemies with icons above their heads become jealous of your power and resolve to beat you into the firmament. The fighting goes on for what seems like minutes, and the chatbox fills with scorn and impunities upon your character. Fear and doubt descend on you, but be brave warrior; the naysayers are weak and womanly. If you are strong and determined, the regret turns to a divine madness, so driving you to ignore their threats of exile. Fight on soldier, fight in the name of betrayal and rage.
The slaying of allies upon the fields of battle brings satisfaction unmatched. However, it is known that the art has fallen into disuse and its practice sullied by cheap imitation. It is little understood that teamkilling is an essential aspect of the battlefield; an element of chaos and curiosity. By it, you do everyone on the battlefield a philosophical service; removing the illusion that arbitrary distinctions between friend and foe have any material effect upon your blade. Teammates may even one day thank you for your wisdom and eagerness to teach.
What follows is a guide to artful and respectable teamkilling. In it, you will find the proper arms, forms, and customs of the art. Nevertheless, teamkilling takes practice and ambition. 75% of your methods of success cannot be found in this article; Most of your success is made in the personal touches you bring to the field, as well as an intuition of the time and place to act. Remember this always, and your murderous path will be long and bountiful.
On the various forms
Unbeknownst to many denizens of our realm, there are many styles of teamkiller, which differ to such an extent that they parallel the classes of more chivalrous individuals. It is likely that there are dozens of forms out there in the wide worlde whether currently in practice or tucked away in dusty manuscript. Here I present half a dozen styles that are well known and popular in these lands. Note that no class requires much fighting aptitude. Teamkilling is one of those rare sports where effort is far more important than skill (Skill may even be a detriment in some cases).
The Dastardly Duelist
Equipment: Melee only
Playstyle: Kick or punch an ally, draw weapon, salute them, and fight. The duelist should lie in wait for a while before signaling out a promising victim/partner. It is worthwhile to continue fighting the same individual over the course of one or perhaps several rounds.
Perks: Especially fun when raging. Great when your partner thinks you have finally backed off only to relocate them in the middle of a melee. A duel is never truly over once begun.
Issues: May be hard to find a suitable partner, may devolve into Bezerker class (see below).
The Brazen Brawler
Equipment: Nothing
Playstyle: Punching and kicking rampage. You should never focus on a single victim for too long.
Perks: Humorous and seemingly innocent, so banishment is rare. Also, you may convert some allies to your cause.
Issues: The lack of red text in the chatbox may be disappointing. Lifespan will often be short.
The Belligerent Bezerker
Equipment: Nothing worn, Big two hander
Playstyle: Similar to Brawler, but it is okay to chase down a victim if you are so inclined.
Perks: Arguably the most exciting and frequently experienced teamkiller class. Lots of red chatbox text. May derail an entire battle if successful.
Issues: Very high risk of banishment
The Secret Spartan
Equipment: Any
Playstyle: Approach a victim on the edge of a high wall or cliff. Get into position and given them a good kick off your wall. May be worthwhile to shout THIS
IS
SPARTA!, but note that no one will hear you.
Perks: Doesnt alert the system that you are teamkilling and can be considered a higher form of pleasure, distinct from the other classes. Good for Sieges.
Issues: May be challenging to find a suitable victim, victim will be more determined to ban you because they fear youll get away with it.
The Sneaky Sniper
Equipment: Bow or crossbow (bow preferable due to lower damage)
Playstyle: Find a hidden spot, high up and away from hot spots. Locate a victim and send your arrows into their flesh. Make sure to hide or migrate if they are on to you. Worthwhile not to kill your victims outright, as it will lengthen your sniping spree. Act like you are diligently shooting the enemy if spotted.
Perks: Sneakery, mind games, etc.
Issues: Not a whole lot of red text, may be considered too easy
The Chortling Charger
Equipment: A horse (preferably a charger)
Playstyle: Now that teammates can be horse-bumped, it is your sacred duty to explore this aspect of the mod. Do not attack with weapons, but trying to punch your victim as you ride past is a worthy endeavor.
Perks: Feels like youre on a high horse. Easy to get out of arms reach.
Issues: You will quickly become infamous due to the acreage of your offenses. Need a horse.
On Garb
To be a respectable teamkiller requires a suitable wardrobe. The first thing to know is that heavy armor is almost always unacceptable. Your outfit should be humorous to oneself and shame inducing towards your victims, but not necessarily effective. Bridal gowns are excellent, as well as dresses, cloth shirts, robes, and pilgrim disguises. For footwear, none, excepting bride shoes. Hands are best uncovered, although a bezerker may want to consider gauntlets of some kind for aesthetic purposes. Helmets are really where you can go to town because any is acceptable. Overall, your clothing should make a statement not only about who you are, but also about who your victims are.
On time and place
Timing is of course a key issue for any would be teamkiller. Particularly, what battles to refrain from offending and what battles to go at it. Basically, the more players care about winning a battle the funnier your betrayal will be, but also the briefer it will be. Select battles according to your tastes in that regard, but beware of admins as their powers of banishment are unrivaled. Sieges are great for teamkilling because of the respawn, which means more offending and a lower risk of banishment (due to players caring less about dying). Note that teamkilling in a duel server is fruitless. Many ignorant practitioners of the art have garnered only disappointment from such endeavors.
An especially rewarding romp can be had on Native servers. The natives are primitive and unskilled, perhaps even sub human. It is your right as a member of the CRPG realm to stomp out these barbarian infidels, and you will possibly be thanked for it. Remember this: teamkilling a native player is not murder; it is the path to heaven.
Banishment
When threatened with banishment, to not stray from your duty. Instead, continue with a twofold deliberation. You may find it easier to turn off the chatbox, so that when your banishment comes it will be swift and painless, without doubts about karma plaguing your mind as your victims and their cronies jeer.
When banishment does come, do not fear. Your faith will be rewarded by your victims butthurt and solace may be taken in this. Lay low for a few days and return to wreak havoc once again.
Teamkillers Honor
If there is one principle in the teamkillers ethical code, which must be obeyed at all times it is this: Thou shalt not attack the enemy. The enemy is only a distraction to your higher pursuits. Do not engage both the enemy and your allies once your teamkilling has begun. If you do, you are simply an asshole worthy of no respect. The true teamkiller is utterly dedicated to their art.
