:oops: News Bulletin: Dirk just attacked Mechin... um, I was waiting for him to get online to discuss this... so, after this battle the following will be in effect:
We of the Thirteen Knights would like to extend an olive branch to LCO. We have laid waste to their lands, slaying their peasants and ravaging their cattle, but all they say is, 'Have fun, thanks for providing some battles'. This has sorta thrown us off balance. So we have decided they are just too cool to remain in a state of war with them. We would like to send them an ambassador of goodwill, but no one knows where they are.
This will free up our armies for our next campaign against an evil that is blighting the land. Which will be explained in an extremely long and very extremely RP post hidden from the ADD people in the spoilers below.
The Set Up:As you know, when I was fighting for the Acre banner, King James would always send me on the most dangerous missions. I was the one to take New Slekzh Castle for them, I was the one who went deep into G-Force lands to continue our war there, I was the one who fought the squids in field battles. He was also the one that told me where Thurnis Haley's caravan was. I attacked it and took it, but was surprised to see there were two (or three) huge Squid armies I had expected one, so I had Dirk there to fight a rearguard action, sacrificing his army. But then another one appeared, and chased me to the very gates of New Yruma castle where they crushed me. I was lucky to escape with my life!
The Secret:Have you ever wondered why such a foul mouthed drunken lout like Bravo could be made pope? I asked him once when he was in a drunken haze, and he told me Reinhardt had given him the post as a reward for keeping a secret. I asked him what the secret was, and he said if he told me it wouldn't be a secret. Then I said he was full of shit, and there was no secret. He then screamed at me and said I knew nothing, and then proceeded to tell me this little tale.
In his younger days he had been a wandering friar, constantly drunk and constantly broke. One day he entered the village of New Shulus where a young Prince Reinhardt was sitting with his army. Now we all know what a man-whore Reinhardt was, and he had his eye on this very pretty but unfortunately virtuous peasant woman. He really, really wanted to do her, but she refused any kind of premarital relations. A very horny and frustrated saw the drunken Friar Bravo and ordered him to perform a quickie marriage. The two were united as one, Reinhardt had his way with her, then he promptly left, taking Bravo along to keep him quiet, and the girl was left to her own devices.
The TruthI fought 11 battles for while under the Acre banner and 11 as an independent. Since that terrible defeat by the Squids, there has not been an Acre member in one of my battles, even though members of their allied factions quite often signed under pseudonms. In fact, Acre has merced against me in every one. So how could I go from the favourite general to the most hated enemy? It is because King James wants me dead. He must have got the story from Pope Bravo, and realizing I was born in New Shulus and noticing the fact that I have a striking resemblance to Reinhardt, he realized I am the only remaining living proof that due to Bravo marrying Reinhardt and the peasant girl, it makes him a bastard. You could ask Bravo yourself, but he seems to have 'disappeared'. Probably on a diplomatic mission to Gerontoa for the next ten years, or maybe in the dungeon of Slekzh castle.
At first he threw me in the front lines, giving me the most dangerous missions hoping the AI defenders or G-Force or the Squids would do his dirty work for him, but when that didn't work, he gave orders to Acre to sign up against me every chance they could. I lost my 950 man army to AA's 150 mainly due to Axeman. Why would Acre help a faction that would later attack them? Because my death was more important to James than were his kingdom.
The Claimant QuestThis surely proves that I am the legitimate first born of Reinhardt, who impregnated my mother on that single tryst with her. It all adds up. So, to claim my throne from the bastard James, I will send my armies into Acre Land. I also invite all honest Acre Lords to support me as the true King of Acre. His rule is aberration in the eyes of chadz and Armagon and must be ended. As king I will ensure the rights of the lords, um, and ensure the rights of the common people... reward those who come to my banner early... oh what else was there? Well, I'll be happy to tell you whatever you want to hear.
"Dirk! DIRK!!" screamed Bryggan, grasping the bar table to keep himself upright.
"What's up," asked Dirk.
"How many of them rotten dumb ass jerk hole Acre Lords dropped James and come joined me?"
"So far, none."
"Damn their eyes. It don't matter. I got me a guy who's accepted my claimant quest. With his forces and ours together, I will get that bloody chadz-forsaken throne."
Dirk rolled his eyes. "I'm sort of wondering about the religious aspect. The Knights of Acre are quite a pious lot, whereas you have a reputation of being.. well.. sort of not so pious."
"By bloody chadz' balls, I am damned pious!" Bryggan roared, "if them Armagon-forsaken assholes don't see that, well bugger them all!" Bryggan rubbed his temples in deep thought, then downed the rest of his tankard of cheap ale. "Screw them all," he mumbled, "screw them and the horses they rode on, which they probably screwed as well. I'm gonna get a pope's blessing on this, and that proves this fucking enterprise is a fucking holy fucking one."
"Um, Bravo is back," Dirk answered, "and he still seems to be loyal to Acre."
(The next three paragraphs have been censored due to graphic language, but they are basically Bryggan venting his anger. In the fourth paragraph, he calms down a little so we'll allow it)
"Fucking cheese-wad fucking fuckity-fucks! If that whore-mongering whore-master son of a whore Bravo won't bless our campaign, I'll make our own pope. Albus seems religious. He's always praying when he plays dice, I'll make him pope. Where is he?"
"He got caught cheating in a dice game and ended up stabbing his opponent, then the three bartender's sons tried grabbing him but he laid them all low. Last I saw him he was carrying one of the barmaids to the upstairs bedroom."
"Ah, well, tell him when he's done he's the new pope of the Holy Calradian Catholic Church of chadz. Now go get your army and besiege Curaw. We take out James' stronghold the rest of Acre will have to bow to us. If they don't, we lay waste to all of the Acre lands, slaying man, woman, child and beast until they accept me as king. Armagon wills it."
"Hmmm," Dirk pondered, "I have the men and the weapons but roster support is sketchy at best in these terrible times. With a bit of bad luck I could lose my entire army."
"No worries," answered Bryggan, "if my loyal soldiers all get slaughtered without a chance to fight back, I'm not concerned. We have allies on the way who can finish the job. As King, I need to protect my people, and I am more than happy to see them all get killed to make it so."
Dirk sighed. His boss was a dumbass, but he did provide a chance at glory. And beer. Lots of beer.
So the thing is, we're moving on Acre. Yeah, our old buddies. Bit of a dickass move, but we never claimed to be polite. Quite frankly, we were running out of factions to fight. We've fought G-Force, Squids, Astralis, Black Company and LCO, plus a few independents and some Euros when we were sent there. So far all the fights have been great, and I'd like to thank my enemies for being so cool about it all.
I was given the impression that people whined and bitched when you fought them, but I haven't seen that yet. The Squids kept trying to talk us into joining them, Black Company really wanted to buy our next contract when we were fighting them (sorry guys, had to halt the merc thing when Goretooth attacked our caravan- hopefully next strat). LCO sent me cheery messages, Astralis remains good friends, and the indies all had a good laugh.
But not as good of laugh as AA. The scoundrels who defeated my 950 men with 150. They themselves were surprised too, and were awfully nice about it in our pms, but I swear, if we get shitty roster support on our upcoming battles, I will no longer be friends with any of you. Yeah, I mean it.
So sign up, either for us or Acre, but preferably us. If these turn out to be shitty battles, I will personally insult each and everyone of you in NA1. And I will make it hurtful.