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Off Topic => General Off Topic => Topic started by: FRANK_THE_TANK on November 15, 2013, 03:45:42 am

Title: Absolute total filth
Post by: FRANK_THE_TANK on November 15, 2013, 03:45:42 am
So your pretty crappy at video games, your job sucks and your hair cut is only "okay".

But how are you in bed?

Bring it mother fuckers, lets tell "camp" fire stories.

----

4 Years ago I picked up a back packer on a beach, what was a dirty week end turned into a filthy month.

She had to go to Sydney to get on a plane which is about 900km south of where I live. I didn't have a job and I did have a car so I thought "fuck it" and drove her down.

To this day I've never had so many blow jobs in a row, totally epic.

About a third of the way to Sydney is my old home town, and my mothers place. My mother was in Melbourne visiting the family so I took liberty with the property and dropped by.

It's bad enough when you have sex in and on everything in your own house, but when you go to your mothers house and repeat the process... You're just a tad fucked up :)

I'd been listening to a lot of Henry Rollins and something was stuck in my head "When I was 18 I wanted to fuck on the floor and break shit. When I was 25 I wanted to fuck on the floor and break shit. When I was 35 I wanted to fuck on the floor and break shit. Now I’m 40 and I want to fuck on the floor and break shit." - Henry Rollins

We stayed at the house for about a day and a half. Did it in every room, broke a couch, broke a dinning room chair, dinted the fridge with her head...

All of that was explainable, it was all minor damage.

On the last night I flipped her side ways across the bed, and then created a situation that was not as easily explained. On leg slung over my should her twisted down with my hand across the back of her neck I ploured her into the bed, after what seemed like ten minutes I heard a timber cracking sound, plank shot out of the bottom of the bed. Then it snapped, it snapped straight in half. My bed was now a giant V. Shardes of timber all over the floor and some poor English girl upside down lodge in the V.

I fell over laughing and did stop.

My mother never asked how the bed got broken in half :D

Aw mum, your a champ!

----

Filth, spread the filth!
Title: Re: Absolute total filth
Post by: Clockworkkiller on November 15, 2013, 04:35:37 am
2 years ago, sometime in October, late at night, in the backwoods of Virginia....

i was alone, hoping to enjoy a bit of deer-hunting...i was making my way down the trail and found myself in a small clearing,
being that i was hiking all day with all my gear on my back, i was quite tired, so i decided to rest here for the night, i pitch shelter and drift off
..i was suddenly awaken by rustling outside my tent...i slowly unzip my entrance and come face to face with a large, black wolf......i was paralyzed with fear, and knew that i wouldn't have time to reach my rifle or knife to defend myself.....but for some reason, it did not lunge at me.......
instead it stood there, staring at me.......i, knowing something was weird, made the stupid idea of trying to leave my tent, right through were the wolf was standing....
to my surprise it back off enough for me to squeeze out, and i sat there outside, staring at it for the next 5 minutes.....then it motions toward me, slowly, until we were face-to-face......it lowered its head and the rubbed its snout against my large schlong. At first i was startled...but being the horny man that i was....started to relax and enjoy it....i unzipped my pants and removed my jacket, exposing my large erect schlong to the outside air.......it began to lick it....oh so slowly at first....but then it began to pick up the pace......next thing i know. im entering her(at this point i realized it was female) from behind....and she let out a beautiful howl, as i worked back and forth. my fingers ran down her dark thick fur....and her eyes glistened in the pale moonlight....i pick up the pace, her tail swinging back in forth, in correlation with my movements...then i lifted her up onto her hindlegs as i released into her, she lets out one last howl.......it was joyous night.....

we still keep in touch, me and that wolf.....
Title: Re: Absolute total filth
Post by: FRANK_THE_TANK on November 15, 2013, 02:12:16 pm
Epic
Title: Re: Absolute total filth
Post by: no_rules_just_play on November 15, 2013, 02:27:01 pm
Quote from: FRANK_THE_TANK on November 15, 2013, 03:45:42 am
bretty alpha
Title: Re: Absolute total filth
Post by: Umbra on November 15, 2013, 02:33:09 pm
I ass fucked a girl in a toilet of a bar we rented for a private party on new years eve. I came inside her ass. Supposedly she was "feeling ill" and i was "helping" her. Does this count?
Title: Re: Absolute total filth
Post by: zagibu on November 16, 2013, 01:10:17 am
It only counts if she got pregnant from it and gave birth to a baby robot with the name "Golbo the Knave", and this robot grew to become president of the United States of Africa, which allowed him to uproot modern civility by tacking his shoes to the walls of a Chinese Karaoke Bar, in which Liam Neeson once sang his favourite song, to an audience that freaked out over the maddening tunes and caused the whole country to rebel against the socialistic tribunal of the lower desert nomads, who inherited their reign from Neil Armstrong Junior, the ruler with the iron lisp, always babbling about how his father should never have opened the stable that early, and how this single bad decision caused the proto-antitrons in the whole galaxy to align and swing in phase, leading to the greatest plummet of the construction industry since Henry Ford discovered the Faulk Islands during a trip in his leisure zeppelin, which was a gift from the queen of the amazons for the selfless sacrifice of letting them use his manhood to fertilize a third of their tribe.

Otherwise it doesn't count.
Title: Re: Absolute total filth
Post by: Kafein on November 17, 2013, 03:59:43 pm
Quote from: zagibu on November 16, 2013, 01:10:17 am
It only counts if she got pregnant from it and gave birth to a baby robot with the name "Golbo the Knave", and this robot grew to become president of the United States of Africa, which allowed him to uproot modern civility by tacking his shoes to the walls of a Chinese Karaoke Bar, in which Liam Neeson once sang his favourite song, to an audience that freaked out over the maddening tunes and caused the whole country to rebel against the socialistic tribunal of the lower desert nomads, who inherited their reign from Neil Armstrong Junior, the ruler with the iron lisp, always babbling about how his father should never have opened the stable that early, and how this single bad decision caused the proto-antitrons in the whole galaxy to align and swing in phase, leading to the greatest plummet of the construction industry since Henry Ford discovered the Faulk Islands during a trip in his leisure zeppelin, which was a gift from the queen of the amazons for the selfless sacrifice of letting them use his manhood to fertilize a third of their tribe.

Otherwise it doesn't count.

how
Title: Re: Absolute total filth
Post by: zagibu on November 17, 2013, 09:39:12 pm
Strong semen always finds a way.
Title: Re: Absolute total filth
Post by: Kafein on November 17, 2013, 11:39:19 pm
My question was : how did this came to be written by something or someone ? I assume it's not you.
Title: Re: Absolute total filth
Post by: zagibu on November 17, 2013, 11:48:54 pm
I never copy or paste. All original content since I was born.
Title: Re: Absolute total filth
Post by: Leshma on November 18, 2013, 01:11:42 am
When I read the title, instantly I thought this topic is about Courtney Stodden.
Title: Re: Absolute total filth
Post by: Lars on November 18, 2013, 01:33:14 pm
Quote from: FRANK_THE_TANK on November 15, 2013, 03:45:42 am
(click to show/hide)

My mother never asked how the bed got broken in half :D

Aw mum, your a champ!

----

Filth, spread the filth!

You should have blamed an angry kangaroo


"One night, a big and angry kangaroo broke into the house and  started punching me  hard in the face, i feared for my life, i was so scared, luckily i managed to lock the beast  in the bedroom.   The marsupial, feeling trapped, went berserk and destroyed the bed, then it jumped out the window and fled away"

(click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Absolute total filth
Post by: Nightmare798 on November 18, 2013, 02:01:30 pm
(click to show/hide)

You dont get usually laid with handicaps like this. Lately, you wont get laid unless you are metrosexual with a mop in your head, and you are willing to go to the cinema watch twilight.

At least not in my country.
Title: Re: Absolute total filth
Post by: Erzengel on November 18, 2013, 03:20:01 pm
Quote from: Nightmare798 on November 18, 2013, 02:01:30 pm
(click to show/hide)

You dont get usually laid with handicaps like this. Lately, you wont get laid unless you are metrosexual with a mop in your head, and you are willing to go to the cinema watch twilight.

At least not in my country.

Excuses, lame excuses!
Title: Re: Absolute total filth
Post by: Necrorave on November 18, 2013, 04:17:46 pm
I got a blowjob behind a "Free Mason" building once.

That is about all I got.
Title: Re: Absolute total filth
Post by: Bittersteel on November 23, 2013, 02:11:26 am
Quote from: Erzengel on November 18, 2013, 03:20:01 pm
Excuses, lame excuses!


Wayyyyne is still smashing that downvote button? :P
Title: Re: Absolute total filth
Post by: Kalam on November 23, 2013, 06:06:54 am
Quote from: Nightmare798 on November 18, 2013, 02:01:30 pm
(click to show/hide)

You dont get usually laid with handicaps like this. Lately, you wont get laid unless you are metrosexual with a mop in your head, and you are willing to go to the cinema watch twilight.

At least not in my country.

There are all kinds of people, who look for all kinds of partners.

While I believe in taking care to select what I wear and what my hair looks like, it doesn't take watching Twilight in the theater. Nothing deserves that, and if you're doing any more than just banging someone who's a fan of Stephanie Meyer, well, then, you're part of a global problem.

Now, gather 'round for a story filled with woe and more besides.

Some years ago, I was in college. I met her there. She was a scene kid before the term scene kid came around, and had a great toothy smile, the kind that's as contagious as the common cold. Beyond the smile, it made me think she really liked me. So I picked her up from her parent's place, and we got lost in the part of town that you don't want to be lost in, especially with a fairy of a girl in diaphanous dress. You know, the kind that are designed to be hiked up. As a nervous kid, though, I wasn't thinking about that.

She laughed at all the right places, and the way she sword made the words 'bitch' and 'fuck' sound as coquettish as a giggle hidden behind a hand. That's a talent, let me tell you. The night ended and I looked into her eyes. She gave me that smile and slid her hand into my pants, and I might as well have been a marble statue. I was vulnerable to her in every way. Soul and boyhood both in her hand. She kept on grinning, though she batted away my hands when I tried to reciprocate. It was painful when I finally exploded, especially since she kept on going for a moment after.

Then she smiled and walked back up to her door.

And never answered any of my calls ever again.
Title: Re: Absolute total filth
Post by: LordBerenger on November 23, 2013, 12:18:59 pm
Quote from: Kalam on November 23, 2013, 06:06:54 am
and I might as well have been a marble statue. I was vulnerable to her in every way. Soul and boyhood both in her hand. She kept on grinning, though she batted away my hands when I tried to reciprocate. It was painful when I finally exploded, especially since she kept on going for a moment after.

Then she smiled and walked back up to her door.

And never answered any of my calls ever again.

visitors can't see pics , please register or login
Title: Re: Absolute total filth
Post by: Tomas_Miles_again on November 23, 2013, 12:30:53 pm
Kalam, that's heartbreaking.
Title: Re: Absolute total filth
Post by: FRANK_THE_TANK on November 30, 2013, 11:32:48 pm
Let me regale you with a bucket list tale! HUZZAH!

Last Thursday I got home from the gym and found a girl in tight jeans with a red fedora sitting outside my house.

"Do you live here?" "Yep" "I left my keys inside, I'm Matt's friend. Can I come in and get them?" "Sure"

She came in and we got chatting. She asked what I did and when I hold told her she got all excited (huzzah for the bullshit power of the arts!). We talked about acting and directing and theatre and stuff and then I noticed something... She kept giving me "the eye". You know the "I'm going to do something I shouldn't" look? Maybe you don't, well It's a great fucking look and we you see it, GO FOR IT.

She was umming and arring about which friend she should go and see because she had double booked to which I replied "To hell with both of them hang out with me."

So I had pulled a girl I found sitting outside my house in the space of 15 mins and she was laying in my bed watching Archer while I had a shower...

The sex was not bad, but nothing to right home about so fuck the details.

THE POINT IS! I DON'T HAVE AN STI!!!

Wooo go home team!
Title: Re: Absolute total filth
Post by: zagibu on November 30, 2013, 11:53:48 pm
I only get this look from girls before they kick me in the balls and run off with my wallet.
Title: Re: Absolute total filth
Post by: Clockworkkiller on November 30, 2013, 11:58:53 pm
Damn frank don't even try and he gets some
Title: Re: Absolute total filth
Post by: zagibu on December 01, 2013, 12:04:39 am
Well, I think he handled it pretty well. Lots of guys wouldn't even have noticed that she wanted the D.
Title: Re: Absolute total filth
Post by: Xant on December 01, 2013, 12:14:31 am
What's the D?
Title: Re: Absolute total filth
Post by: NejStark on December 01, 2013, 12:23:43 am
In a nightclub when I was 18 and drunk as fuck (and a fine physical spectacle of a man) I told the finest girl in the club 'you and me are going outside now'. I walked off down the stairs, got my coat from the cloakroom and took the door out the club. I looked behind m and there she was. Slammed round the back in a fire exit for a bingo hall. In my drunken haze Im pretty sure I remember seeing people in a car drove past slowly and got an eyeful at one stage.

the end
Title: Re: Absolute total filth
Post by: FRANK_THE_TANK on December 02, 2013, 10:17:13 am
Very nice Nej lol

The only night club story I have isn't very inspired.

I was invited out to a friend of a friend of a friends place for "pre-drinks" and when I go there I took to talking to a fit young thing.

By the time we finally got to the club we were getting pretty "handsy". Just as we start making out this guy shows up out of nowhere swearing and carrying on (the boy friend woohoo). Took me by complete surprise.

They went of having an argument and about a min later security took him out of the club.

I assumed that was the end of that.

We all moved to a this cushioned area by a pool and then out of nowhere she showed up again. She took me over to a table just near where we were sitting and mid conversation she undoes my jeans and starts giving me a hand job saying "Keep talking" with this massive dirty smile on her face. So as not to make a mess as she finished me off I may have pushed her down stairs :P

We never spoke again!

In other news the BF turned out to be a world class wanker and an arsehole. He wound up doing time for domestic violence. So I still have the moral high ground yay!!!
Title: Re: Absolute total filth
Post by: FRANK_THE_TANK on December 08, 2013, 11:10:06 am
I don't know if this a new low for me or a new high... Only time will reveal it's true nature!

----

I picked up an 18 year old... so that's an age gap of 11 years, biggest thus far...

And she was a freak!

Brief break down of details.

I spanked her arse blue

Choked her almost unconscious

Fired a load into her face

Bare back, no lube, anal...

All more or less at her request...

I almost left out the best part, she's a screamer! She orgasms like a champ!

Oh and the worst part... She's my house mate... lucky she's moving!

I'm ruining my life, one deranged sexual experience at a time.

http://archer.wikia.com/wiki/Framboise

----

Off to the clinic for the second time in as many weeks...