cRPG

Off Topic => General Off Topic => Topic started by: Bjord on April 25, 2012, 03:32:49 pm

Title: Sci-fi short story, The Tortuga
Post by: Bjord on April 25, 2012, 03:32:49 pm
It's a short story about a ship and her crew, not even close to finished but I am done with the intro. Tell me what you think!

(click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Sci-fi short story, The Tortuga
Post by: Teeth on April 25, 2012, 11:05:50 pm
Too much descriptive crap.
Title: Re: Sci-fi short story, The Tortuga
Post by: B3RS3RK on April 25, 2012, 11:09:39 pm
Too much descriptive crap.

Yeah.Descriptive shit is good, but it needs to be limited.Nobody wants to read a 10 page description of the fucking ship.
Title: Re: Sci-fi short story, The Tortuga
Post by: djavo on April 26, 2012, 12:22:50 am
Why dont you write in Hungarian so I understand you.
Title: Re: Sci-fi short story, The Tortuga
Post by: Bjord on April 26, 2012, 09:55:17 am
Too much descriptive crap.

Yeah, I guess. I wouldn't have included that much description if it hadn't been for teacher's input.
Title: Re: Sci-fi short story, The Tortuga
Post by: Corwin on April 26, 2012, 10:57:27 am
It's crazy to comment unfinished story. 
Title: Re: Sci-fi short story, The Tortuga
Post by: Leesin on April 26, 2012, 12:34:16 pm
Way too descriptive of everything. I imagine when you introduce characters you will write 2 paragraphs describing every crease and blemish on their body and how many hairs they have on their ass.

Worst story ever.
Title: Re: Sci-fi short story, The Tortuga
Post by: Gnjus on April 26, 2012, 02:23:28 pm
Maybe you should use your in-game chat style instead of these long descriptions.
Title: Re: Sci-fi short story, The Tortuga
Post by: B3RS3RK on April 26, 2012, 02:54:54 pm
many hairs they have on their ass.



"The splendid and sparkling hair on his ass was long and plenty, running ín golden curls down his cheek to his anus."
Title: Re: Sci-fi short story, The Tortuga
Post by: Logen on April 26, 2012, 05:26:50 pm
Maybe you should use your in-game chat style instead of these long descriptions.
Title: Re: Sci-fi short story, The Tortuga
Post by: Cyclopsided on April 26, 2012, 05:36:18 pm
Maybe you should use your in-game chat style instead of these long descriptions.
Quote
The eremite of august, befallen on steps of obsidian. Skies of bronze, clouds of fire.

Our mind, vanish forever. You? No. He who battles, surrounded yet alone.

No man, no creature. Three hearts, yet none. Consumer of flesh.

You?

Never. It? Molten, out of ashes of the one, never rests. Tears of the soul, harbouring the unborn. Now?

No. It?

You. The three, three of the many but few.

A morning sky, dawn of the new. The chant of time, descending. You? Never.

Binary stars of azure, mantle of shining brilliance. He. No. Tranquil of death, to cease.

Now. The vectors of destruction arrived.

You? No.

Weep not.
Title: Re: Sci-fi short story, The Tortuga
Post by: Dezilagel on April 26, 2012, 05:47:47 pm
Roses are Red

Violets are Blue

This poem is better

Than whatever you do
Title: Re: Sci-fi short story, The Tortuga
Post by: Logen on April 26, 2012, 06:05:17 pm
Robert Jordan might well be Reborn in Bjord.
Title: Re: Sci-fi short story, The Tortuga
Post by: Bjord on April 27, 2012, 10:52:21 am
 :lol:

I guess I'm no writer then. Fair enough, the people have spoken.
Title: Re: Sci-fi short story, The Tortuga
Post by: Corwin on April 27, 2012, 11:11:12 am
:lol:

I guess I'm no writer then. Fair enough, the people have spoken.

The only proper way to determine if you are writer or not, is to offer your best story to the public critique.
Mind you, your best , finished and polished story, so you wouldn't have any half ass excuses about anything.
Commenting on some lazy ass, half baked, unfinished introduction to story is senseless and pointless.

Pro tip: In stories, something usually happens!
Title: Re: Sci-fi short story, The Tortuga
Post by: Bjord on April 27, 2012, 12:12:57 pm
That is true, good points.