I agree about the bro-coding. Everyone chooses sides, and then that's it. Can't play for fun, cuz you might hurt someone's feelings. People can't fight for a bit, gain some territory and then try make a treaty, or even an alliance, cuz they now hate each other right now.
So, stop this strat and:
Divide the map into 5 or 6 countries, each with 3ish cities of which one is the capital (along the lines of single player). Distribute the fiefs by a random lottery, and if you happen to be lucky enough to get a village, you are now a vassal to whoever owns the city that is closest. If you are lucky enough to get a city, you are now a vassal to whoever owns the capital. If you are lucky enough to get the capital, then you are the king. And if you are unlucky and suck being a king and all your vassals hate you, they can have a civil war and besiege the capital. Castles are like cities, but you have no vassals.
If we can fight on NA1 without getting bitchy and butthurt, maybe we could do it on strat.