THIS IS NOW A DIPLOMACY THREAD. FUCK YOU OCCITAN! NICE SHIELDWALL HoC!
C'MON LETS "ROLEPLAY"!
Joe stumbled forward along the mountain path. Driving snow and whipping wind were making the journey arduous, and the trail's cobblestone surface, worn smooth by many pilgrims, made the hike treacherous. He dragged a reluctant caravan of twelve Champion Destriers along behind him.
Beside him walked his on-and-off-again passionate lover and/or fuck-buddy, Champion Courser.
OP Courser cast a worried glance behind her, still walking. "I'm worried about them. The cold will kill them before we can get to the top."
Joe looked back. The horses were miserable, shivering in the cold; this, despite the scarfs he'd tied around their necks. He'd thought that that'd be enough, but apparently he'd overestimated the animals' tolerance for cold.
One of the Destriers called out, the cry almost inaudible because of his shivering. "E-e-everything g-g-good up th-th-th-there, my lord?"
Such fucking pansies. Joe shouted back, "E-e-everything's FINE UP HERE, YOU SHIVERING FUCK! GROW SOME BALLS!" He added some spice to the statement by thoroughly groping his own genitals, which, it should be mentioned, were the size of melons, despite being exposed to the cold. It should also be mentioned that Joe was naked, save for a lovely orange scarf.
Joe turned back to +3 Courser. "They're just being pansies. They've got scarfs, I don't see what the problem is."
They continued their ascent. At last, after another hour of schlepping, they made it to the mountain's summit.
It was flat--a small plateau. Snow piled up here and there, as it continued to fall from the sky.
In the center of the plateau was an alter: A massive stone donkey with golden spectacles stood on it's hind legs, defying the cold. Offerings were piled at it's feet--mostly money. There were some flowers, too. Torches glowed. Somebody shouted.
Joe and his horses were not alone.
Kneeling before the statue was a man whose face was as white as the thickly-swirling snow, and his hair was a sickly green. He work a strange, purple jacket. He looked foreign.
Behind him stood a train of naked women, all with sumptuous titties.
Every now and then, the man would scream, "BUMP!"
Joe whispered to Champ Courser, "He's bumping with tits. Let's not disturb him."
"BUMP!"
Joe and his horses circled around to the other side of the plateau, careful to keep the statue in sight. Joe tied the horses to a jutting rock, and they gathered together before him. One destrier spoke, "My Lord Joe, where are the cookies you promised?"
Joe ignored him. He turned to address the distant statue. "chadz," he shouted, "PLEASE HEAR MY PRAYER! FULFILL YOUR PROMISES, AND GET YOUR PEOPLES' SHIT TOGETHER!"
"BUMP! BUMP!"
"I OFFER YOU SACRIFICES: THE THINGS MOST PRECIOUS TO ME!"
The destriers were starting to get the gist of what was about to happen. Cries of "Wait, please!" and "No, no, no!" sounded behind Joe. He didn't care. There were enough fucking horses in this world as it was. No one would miss a few cav.
It was for the greater good.
"BUMP!"
He drew his recently nerfed sword, and mounted his beloved Champion Courser. He needed to make up for the shittiness of his one handed weapon by being on horseback. Good speed bonus. He whispered into his beloved's ear, "Let's nerf 'em, baby."
"Let's."
He put his spurs into her sides. She lurched forward.
The two of them spent the rest of the day killing destriers, hoping desperately that the Great Donkey would take two a moment to remember his forgotten people.
