12/19/2018
I was just called in for auditions today. It's my first real chance to make it big. Every voice actor has to start somewhere... I figured flying out to meet some sketchy guys who called themselves "The Donkey Crew" in Europe couldn't be all that bad, despite they were most likely flaming furries. I had to take my chances, this was my only shot.
I drive up to some random guy's house, and enter his open garage. I find a doorway to the basement, left open, with a sign sketched in sidewalk chalk on the wall simply saying "Welcome." There is a mysterious hoof-print in the chalk, but I decide to ignore it. The bite mark in the chalk stick itself, however, holds my attention. I never felt that chalk could possibly taste good, but with this dull pink coloring, it looked like a smarties only in the form of a giant stick. I gingerly pick it up and lick the long shaft of chalk. Never will I speak of this moment again.
As I entered the dull, poorly-lit basement, there is nothing but a long table stretching out before me, with at least 6 laptops; a nest of wires associated with each. On the right is a dark doorway, leading off into nothingness. At the far end of the table, a man with a donkey-head mask sits up. He is naked except for an adult's diaper, and his hideous mask. He walks over slowly, not saying a word. With each step there is a clip, clop... clip, clop. I figured he must have hooved feet.. i feared he may be the devil himself. Luckily, as he rounded the corner of the table, I saw that he simply wore flip flops with a metal horseshoe (or is it called a doneky shoe?) attached to the bottom of each via duct tape.
After staring at me with those dead, rubber eyes, he finally spoke, his voice echoing from the inside of that rubber prison.
"Here is your audition piece. We will record using my associate's mac's microphone. It is already set to record. Simply say the line whenever you are ready."
I glanced at the lines... utterly confused. I had definitely made a huge mistake in coming here. This guy, surely to be my new boss should I score the part, was utterly insane. Sweat started to noticeably drip down my forehead at this point.
"Go on now, don't you make me get out the whip."
"For... for...." I just couldn't do it. This line made no sense. Courage. Courage, I thought to myself. This is all just some elaborate ruse... meant to unnerve all newcomers... this wasn't how this guy worked, this wasn't how he acted all the time. It couldn't be possible to accomplish anything like this. After convincing myself that underneath that horrible mask must be a really chill guy, who I would love to work for, I recalled what the summons had said. "Looking for any young, talented, extremely sexy male models voice actors with a deep, manly voice to audition for a highly-coveted spot in a top tier, one of a kind medieval sword simulator." So, with all my strength, I cried out to the very heavens... I pulled out my best viking berserker battle cry, and then shouted:
"FOR THE DOG!!!!" " OPEN THE GATE!" The phrases rolled off my tongue one after the other, until before I knew it, I was done.
A drop of moisture accumulated and fell from beneath the neck of the donkey mask. A tear? Sweat? I couldn't know.
"DID YOU HEAR THAT CMP?!?! THIS BOY IS PERFECT!" cried the masked man.
"I got it all right here chadz, this is gonna be great!" replied a straggly man emerging from the dark doorway. He too, wore an adult's diaper, but instead of a donkey mask had a forever-smug look stuck on his pasty white face. In place of flip flop donkey shoes, this man named cmp (what kind of name is cmp? Man this guy is equally weird) wore two mismatched socks, one with the bottom entirely worn off such that the top flopped freely about his ankle. In addition, he had an ass's tail pasted to... well, to his ass.
"You know what this means, right cmp?" said chadz the half-donkey. "Time to celebrate! Come on out guys, let us welcome our new member the only way we know how!"
"The only way we know how... the only way we know how..." Those words echoed over and over in my head, into my very soul. I knew then and there I should turn and run for it, but as I turned around, 2 mostly naked guys appeared. I looked back in front of me and front the dark edges and corners of the room, more and more half naked men showed up. Had they been there the whole time?!!?! Each of them slowly got up and walked about oddly, as if coming out of a daze. A few placed donkey masks similar to chadz's on their heads, other grabbed random hooves and tails. One was slowly climbing into a full-body ass suit. I heard the two coming from behind me close the door... I was still too frightened to even turn and face them. I could swear as I glanced from donkey head to donkey head that they were all smiling underneath their masks... grinning in anticipation of what was about to come.
6 weeks later...
"Yo, a new patch for c-rpg has come out, guys!" Shouted an excited neckbeard from his mother's basement. He forgot that no one could really hear him, though, since he was currently sitting in an abandoned TS. How he missed the old days, when his clan actually used to play this game on a regular basis. They had all stuck around, eagerly anticipating the promised release of M:BG from the great and mighty developers of this mod. However, one by one, they slowly outgrew such games, grew tired of waiting, and simply moved on, leaving this lonely little neckbeard all alone. No one even cared that he managed to reach level 37 after being level 36 for years on end. It was the highlight of his career, and no one but he and the DTV bots he fought against time and time again could notice the difference. He booted up c-rpg, and read the patch log. "New voice commands implemented." it read. The neckbeard lowered his pants, and grabbed a handful of vaseline. He started to get the blood flowing as he connected to NA_7. "Let's take this for a spin," he thought.
QQV! "FOR THE DOG!"
He finished. Never had he come to his climax so early before. This new voice was perfect. He didn't even need the assistance of his pet canary to end. This patch would be glorious indeed, he decided. Little did he know what one man had to endure for this glorious update...
This is what happens when my boss leaves me with an hour left of work.
