cRPG

Strategus => Diplomacy => Topic started by: Malaclypse on March 31, 2016, 01:52:34 pm

Title: A tale of one and a half Dwarves
Post by: Malaclypse on March 31, 2016, 01:52:34 pm
Urist Dongfist- so named at birth for the deformity of his right hand, which was, in fact, a dong, but also kind of firm like a fist at the tip even when flaccid- the pretty much retarded and malformed bastard child of the legendary alcoholic Dwarven bandit Hrhalzo Strongshaft

(who once, during a round of D&D who once awoke to an ambush on his camp in the night and who, with a mighty toss of his spear, killed a Wvyern, mutilating it, and then went on to kill a second Wvyern by throwing the corpse of a mutilated Wvyern at it, wounding the Wveryn, lodging the corpse of the mutilated Wvyern in the wound and causing the Wvyern to bleed heavily unto death) *may not have actually occured in this way

and a common, nameless, GOBBLIN whore

(who once serviced the entire royal host of the REALM OF THE GOBBLIN KING in a single evening)

awoke in the first hints of sunrise at the encampment of his caravan to find out he was still quite drunk from the campfire revelries of the night before. Penitents tent was already down, his men milling about, and he had been going at the mead far, FAR harder than Urist!

"It's this damn GOBBLIN blood," Urist thought, "two, three pints is all I've got in me, thanks a lot mom go home Obama". He scratched at the scraggly wisp of a beard on his face; his lack of hirsuteness, extremely rare among full-blooded dwarves, was another "gift" inherited from his mother's side of the family.

Not like his father and his band of H-hair-hairy h-h-hunks, not like any of the Dwarves who are now his companions in that way, no. Though his companions they are, and they have taken them into their fold- without harsh judgement (though plenty of friendly bants!) for his half-breed nature nor his fist *ahem* problem- following the dissolution of the REALM and his loss of a job as royal honeydipper in the keep of the late GREATLEADER, Glob rest his soul. The Dwarves recognize kinship, however distant.

Anyhow, Urist Dongfist crouched down and just crapped right where he was standing because he's pretty much as smart as a seven year old or a crow or something and is also still pretty inebriated as you'll recall. "I think.. is that?" he wonders, "it is!" he thinks as the messenger raven bears down on his turgid dongfist with the full force of its talons, causing him to do a reliably bad-lowbrow-joke-that's-kind-of-funny-in-that-bad-lowbrow-joke way pratfall into his own feces, probably face first and also his mouth is open because he was screaming, "THIS PECKER HAS MY COOOOOOOOOOOOCK! THIS PECKER HAS MY CAAAWWKWHARRGARBLL!"

With as much dignity as a what we can call a man for these purposes can in a situation like this, Urist stands up and swallows his pride and also the crap in his mouth (licking his lips), removes the scroll from the ravens leg, and, after drying it off of the seminal fluid leftover from the natural response of his malformed appendage to such vigorous and repetitive attacks, read aloud,

"aryajkdf tffdf kaelkf ngjer kill"- he can't read much of course, but makes out the name "arya" and a familiar word he knows "kill", along with a crude map depicting the position of an enemy force, his own and... that of his father Hrhalzo and his hardy harem of Hairy Hunks!? Urist may be an idiot but he puts two and two together here, he knows his old man is always game for a bit of opportunistic banditry (provided there's mead and weed in it for him), he knows he's in no condition to do the deed himself with his ragged crew, he barely is when he's at his best. He drunkely scrawls the idiosyncratic language only he and his pa write in and sends out the raven. He knows his father will answer the call. And he knows if his father calls upon him, he'll answer it as well; family is bond amongst the Dwarves.

Will YOU joinusatthisungodlyhourwhenwebothgetoffwork? (http://c-rpg.net/index.php?page=strategusbattlesupcoming#!?page=strategusinfobattledetail&id=1007)


















I'm sorry everyone this was absolutely foul I want Uumdi to see it lol
Title: Re: A tale of one and a half Dwarves
Post by: Bronto on March 31, 2016, 02:59:38 pm
Man, I fucking love you and Rhalzo. Glad you're a dwarf now and we will support the Hairy Hunks as true brethren of our great Dwarven Nation.
Title: Re: A tale of one and a half Dwarves
Post by: Malaclypse on March 31, 2016, 08:15:32 pm
Quote from: Bronto on March 31, 2016, 02:59:38 pm
Man, I fucking love you and Rhalzo. Glad you're a dwarf now and we will support the Hairy Hunks as true brethren of our great Dwarven Nation.

haha, like pretty much all of our cRPG/strat ideas we've had over the years- from FIDLGB (which arose during a late night conversation after his previous faction, DUSK failed to take off in any way), to his Hairy Hunks (Rhalzo: "What should I call Hrhalzo's band of mercenary bandits?" Mala: "Uhh... Hrhalzos... Hairy Hunks? You could have a picture of triple H as your banner of war and then wool in new/nova Samarra castle- which he had held very briefly recently during the Khorne's vanishing- could be said to have come from your *shudder*... hunks") to this- it was influenced by being somewhat drunk and stoned STOOPID, calling him up at 4am (fuckin 3rd shift) and pitching it amongst giggles. Needless to say my head is killing me this afternoon- like Urist Dongfist, I am a goddamn lightweight with booze.
Title: Re: A tale of one and a half Dwarves
Post by: Renay on March 31, 2016, 08:18:00 pm
Quote from: Malaclypse on March 31, 2016, 01:52:34 pm
Urist Dongfist- so named at birth for the deformity of his right hand, which was, in fact, a dong,

Read till here and +1'd
Title: Re: A tale of one and a half Dwarves
Post by: Uumdi on April 01, 2016, 10:15:39 am
Oh goodness, that brought a dong dong dong tear to my eye m8

Hopefully I can get off work in time, i'll show up to that battle
Title: Re: A tale of one and a half Dwarves
Post by: Rhalzo on April 01, 2016, 11:55:47 am
Thank you to the folks that showed up. You all did a great job!
Title: Re: A tale of one and a half Dwarves
Post by: Tristan_of_Erzoth on April 01, 2016, 11:57:14 am
gdi arya this is the last time i sign for you
Title: Re: A tale of one and a half Dwarves
Post by: Kelugarn on April 01, 2016, 12:01:27 pm
Everyone who missed the battle also missed quite a lot of oiled up and flexed pecs.
Title: Re: A tale of one and a half Dwarves
Post by: bruttus on April 01, 2016, 12:07:06 pm
Fuck, I forgot the battle
Title: Re: A tale of one and a half Dwarves
Post by: Malaclypse on April 01, 2016, 12:36:19 pm
Quote from: bruttus on April 01, 2016, 12:07:06 pm
Fuck, I forgot the battle

We have stolen the single, Holy Pickaxe arya appears to have been charged with carrying (you will perhaps claim it is simply an ordinary Pickaxe, but we are no fools... human) and hope that this isn't some Raiders of the Lost Ark type biz that's going to incinerate our souls when we start mining with it!
Title: Re: A tale of one and a half Dwarves
Post by: njames89 on April 01, 2016, 12:46:15 pm
Quote from: Malaclypse on April 01, 2016, 12:36:19 pm
hope that this isn't some Raiders of the Lost Ark type biz

It is too late.

(click to show/hide)
Title: Re: A tale of one and a half Dwarves
Post by: Malaclypse on April 01, 2016, 12:51:33 pm
Quote from: njames89 on April 01, 2016, 12:46:15 pm
It is too late.

It was always too late  :lol:



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Title: Re: A tale of one and a half Dwarves
Post by: Jona on April 01, 2016, 04:22:58 pm
Coincidence that a dwarf finds a man running away from him with a single mining tool? Clearly he was keeping the legendary item away from those that could unleash its full power.
Title: Re: A tale of one and a half Dwarves
Post by: CrazyCracka420 on April 01, 2016, 07:06:37 pm
Quote from: Malaclypse on April 01, 2016, 12:51:33 pm
It was always too late  :lol:



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I teared up a little from laughing at your putin pic

(I had to make that gif myself [not recently], because there were no good Arsenio "Woo Woo" gifs out there).
Title: Re: A tale of one and a half Dwarves
Post by: Rhalzo on April 08, 2016, 10:46:04 am
So... ummm.... Round 2, fight?

HAIRY HUNKS ASSEMBLE! (Everyone else is invited as well) (http://c-rpg.net/?page=strategusbattlesupcoming#!?page=strategusinfobattledetail&id=1065)

Edit: James, please tell Arya to start carrying gear instead of just crates.
Title: Re: A tale of one and a half Dwarves
Post by: Switchtense on April 08, 2016, 11:22:10 am
Quote from: Rhalzo on April 08, 2016, 10:46:04 am
HAIRY HUNKS ASSEMBLE! (Everyone else is invited as well) (http://c-rpg.net/?page=strategusbattlesupcoming#!?page=strategusinfobattledetail&id=1065)

I AM READY!
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Title: Re: A tale of one and a half Dwarves
Post by: Malaclypse on April 08, 2016, 05:46:12 pm
You filthy thief, I didn't even have to give him intel this time, he hit me up. NIGHT OWLS, ASSEMBLE!
Title: Re: A tale of one and a half Dwarves
Post by: Keshian on April 19, 2016, 04:02:56 pm
Is rhalzo and the hairy hunks still attacking on strat?  You should get Samarra castle back that occitan took from Rhalzo for free.  Good base of operations.