The Ballad of Tom Cruise
(Told by a drunken Chestaclese at the tavern in Amere)
As a high ranking member of the The Knights of Veluca I thought it a good idea to enter the fief New Amere and take a look around. I entered the Inn for a drink and inquired about the location of any young men of loose character.
"Over here mouth breather" said a man in a green and purple hood from a table near the back of the Inn.
A collection of throwing axes decorated the wall behind him and he straddled a crude looking pitchfork for support as he stood up to further persuade me to be his company.
"Hobb is it? The loosest of our men are at Halmar carving cudgels but I think I have a story your stupid brain would appreciate” the man I now recognized as Chestaclese propositioned.
“I think I’ll be on my way” I stuttered as I gestured to the bartender to forget my drink and backed my way towards the exit. Was no hope though. Chestaclese was persistent.
“Now, now Hobboclese” he joked while putting his arm around me before I could escape. “I have just the story. An uplifting tale for a man of your wits regarding a man of similar intelligence. Give me the pleasure of orating the ballad of Tom Cruise.”
He walked me back towards the table he previously occupied and sat me in a chair I could not escape from.
“Many mistake Tom Cruise of having a small inadequate brain. The truth of the matter however is that the majority of Tom’s brain is concentrated in his arms and legs. So while Tom has incredible muscle memory, he’s about as bright as a full solar eclipse on a cloudy day. While the majority of us wear armor in battle to protect us from others, Tom infact wears armor to protect himself from self inflicted blows. And there lies his one weakness and the only chance any opponent of Tom has, to somehow coerce Tom to remove his own helmet and wait for the fool to bash his own skull in. As easy a task this may seem no man has yet come close to defeating Lord Cruise. For while Tom is indeed stupid enough to remove his helmet if you asked him, not only can Tom not read, he has difficulty understanding basic fucking sentences. As if shooting Achilles in the heel was not enough, imagine Achilles was some stupid dog and Paris had coerce him to remove his boot before shooting.”
Chestaclese then looked me in the eye as if we held some untold secret and said, “I imagine only a slightly more intelligence retard could talk in such a way as to make Tom Cruise remove his helmet.”
