Due to a few discussions in-game and with some of my real life friends I felt inspired to do a review of one of my all-time favourite movies.
Conan the Barbarian (1982) - Movie Review by Khorin (includes spoilers)
“Between the time when the oceans drank Atlantis and the rise of the sons of Aryas, there was an age undreamed of. And unto this, Conan, destined to wear the jeweled crown of Aquilonia upon a troubled brow. It is I, his chronicler, who alone can tell thee of his saga. Let me tell you of the days of high adventure!”
Plot:
The plot of the movie centers on the barbarian archetype Conan the Cimmerian. Cimmerian’s are a warrior people that live far to the north of where the majority of the movie takes place.
In the introduction we are introduced to the young Conan and his tribe and family. His father tells him of the Enigma of Steel, a.k.a. the riddle of steel. When doing this he is referring to how man found the mastery of steel after a great battle between the gods, led by Crom(the god of the Cimmerians that lives under a mountain), and giants. Soon after this Conan’s entire tribe is killed by a group of men wielding a banner with twin serpents. Conan himself is sold to slavery were he spends his entire teenage years and early adulthood doing slave labor that hardens his muscles.
After this he is sold yet again to a group of men looking for a new fighter for their arena. Conan, strong as he is, survives better than expected and is rewarded with advanced combat training by his masters.
Conan eventually escapes and finds an ancient tomb with a throne upon which rests a skeleton clutching a sword. Conan refers to the skeleton as Crom and takes the sword. After this Conan earns plenty of riches through adventure while at the same time trying to find the men who murdered his tribe. He eventually tracks down the men to a cult that uses the very same banner and is given a quest by a king to rescue the king’s daughter that has been seduced by the cultists. His friend Subotai and his love Valeria consider it too dangerous, but Conan driven by the need to avenge his tribe leaves alone in the night.
During his attempt to rescue the daughter and find information on the murderers, Conan meets Thulsa Doom, the leader of the snake cult. In a memorable scene, Thulsa Doom and Conan(who is badly wounded) share this great dialogue:
Conan: You killed my mother! You killed my father, you killed my people! You took my father's sword... ah -
Thulsa Doom: Ah. It must have been when I was younger. There was a time, boy, when I searched for steel, when steel meant more to me than gold or jewels.
Conan: The riddle... of steel.
Thulsa Doom: Yes! You know what it is, don't you boy? Shall I tell you? It's the least I can do. Steel isn't strong, boy, flesh is stronger! Look around you. There, on the rocks; a beautiful girl. Come to me, my child...
[Thulsa Doom coaxes the girl to jump to her death]
Thulsa Doom: That is strength, boy! That is power! What is steel compared to the hand that wields it?
Conan is eventually joined by his friends again and by a new character referred to only as the Wizard and together they eventually take down the cult and rescue the king’s daughter. Valeria, on the other hand, dies in the attempt. The scene where the leader of the cult is killed is hauntingly good. Thulsa Doom attempts to convince Conan not to kill him, using his powers of persuasion the same way he had charmed all his followers. Conan does not fall under his spell and kills him, proving that Thulsa’s understanding of the riddle of steel was not enough to stop Conan. The cultists who consider him a god see his head get cut off and thrown down the stairs. Realizing how wrong they were all the cultists leave quietly grieving and ashamed.
Here is the final scene:
Visuals:The filming is great and throughout the movie it feels like a true high-budget movie, especially if you watch the Blu-ray version. You can barely tell it’s filmed in the 80s.
The graphical effects for the most part hold up incredibly well, considering the movies age. There is only scene that I can think of where the special effects are a tad odd, and that’s the scene where spirits are trying to steal Conan’s soul. Otherwise, the magic in the movie is actually incredibly low-key, to the movie’s credit. There are no fireball-hurling wizards here. Conan’s friend, the wizard primarily performs only ritualistic magic, while Thulsa Doom does simple things like turning a snake to a poisonous arrow.
The costume design of the movie is also top notch quality, though the style might seem extremely 80s to some. However, this style was already set partly in place in the Conan art designs and was after Conan the Barbarian copied a lot. Conan is still to this day, the quintessential Barbarian. Personally, I really enjoy the costumes, they’re really metal, except maybe for a few goofy helmets, but even those I whole-heartedly accept.
The fighting scenes are for the most part well-choreographed and are most enjoyable to watch. The scenery in this movie is also beautiful and it really gives the movie a sense of scale and wonder along with the, for the most part well thought out sets.
Audio:The soundtrack of this movie is in my opinion one of the best ever created. It sets the tone perfectly for “high adventure”. It is a great orchestral score created by Basil Poledouris.
Acting:The acting is perhaps the weakest part in the movie. It is not exactly bad. Arnold Schwarzenegger does a fantastic job as Conan. Indeed, it’s probably Arnold at his best. He fits perfectly, due to his accent and weak grasp of English. It is just what you’d expect from a northerner that has received no education and spent most of his life as a slave or a pit fighter. Perhaps the weakest performance in the movie is that of Valeria, simply because she does nothing to distinguish herself. It’s competent, but nothing special. The Wizard plays the role of the hermit extremely well, and I knew I recognized his voice from somewhere, and it turns out he’s the voice of Aku in Samurai Jack (among many other things), my favourite cartoon as a kid. He is also the narrator/chronicler of the entire movie.
However, hands down the best performance of the movie actually comes from the king, who only has one scene, but he performs it to near perfection.
Dialogue:There really isn’t that much dialogue in this movie, compared to others. I suspect it’s partly because of Arnold’s weak English, but I don’t know. However, what little dialogue there is is practically instant classics. They are simple, but very powerful, and therefore easy to remember. Conan doesn’t philosophize, and when he does, he does it in a very down to earth fashion, fitting his character.
Here’s a selection of memorable quotes:
Conan: What gods do you pray to?
Subotai: I pray to the four winds... and you?
Conan: To Crom... but I seldom pray to him, he doesn't listen.
Subotai: [chuckles] What good is he then? Ah, it's just as I've always said.
Conan: He is strong! If I die, I have to go before him, and he will ask me, "What is the riddle of steel?" If I don't know it, he will cast me out of Valhalla and laugh at me. That's Crom, strong on his mountain!
Subotai: Ah, my god is greater.
Conan: [chuckles] Crom laughs at your four winds. He laughs from his mountain.
Subotai: My god is stronger. He is the everlasting sky! Your god lives underneath him.
[Conan shoots Subotai a skeptical look. Subotai laughs]
Conan: Crom, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought, or why we died. All that matters is that two stood against many. That's what's important! Valor pleases you, Crom... so grant me one request. Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, then to HELL with you!
Conan's Father: Fire and wind come from the sky, from the gods of the sky. But Crom is your god, Crom and he lives in the earth. Once, giants lived in the Earth, Conan. And in the darkness of chaos, they fooled Crom, and they took from him the enigma of steel. Crom was angered. And the Earth shook. Fire and wind struck down these giants, and they threw their bodies into the waters, but in their rage, the gods forgot the secret of steel and left it on the battlefield. We who found it are just men. Not gods. Not giants. Just men. The secret of steel has always carried with it a mystery. You must learn its riddle, Conan. You must learn its discipline. For no one - no one in this world can you trust. Not men, not women, not beasts.
[Points to sword]
Conan's Father: This you can trust.
Mongol General: Hao! Dai ye! We won again! This is good, but what is best in life?
Mongol: The open steppe, fleet horse, falcons at your wrist, and the wind in your hair.
Mongol General: Wrong! Conan! What is best in life?
Conan: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.
Mongol General: That is good! That is good.
Epilogue: So, did Conan return the wayward daughter of King Osric to her home. And having no further concern, he and his companions sought adventure in the West. Many wars and feuds did Conan fight. Honor and fear were heaped upon his name and, in time, he became a king by his own hand... And this story shall also be told.
So, as you may have noticed, I really like this movie. I’d put it in my top 5 movies of all time. It is a bit cliché to modern eyes, but it’s cliché because this movie made it cliché. It’s like faulting Tolkien for being too generic. Keep in mind, Conan and Lord of the Rings was first conceived around the same time. Conan, in my opinion is equally ground-breaking as Tolkien’s work, though perhaps a lower class of literature perhaps of lesser quality (assuming you care).
I recommend anyone who hasn’t seen this movie, to watch it. It was the standard that other fantasy movies strived to reach until Lord of the Rings was released and still holds up incredibly well. The worst case scenario is that you will find it incredibly campy, but really funny. Either way, you should definitely see it.
Thoughts about the Riddle of Steel:
The riddle of steel is mentioned twice in the movie:
Conan's Father: Fire and wind come from the sky, from the gods of the sky. But Crom is your god, Crom and he lives in the earth. Once, giants lived in the Earth, Conan. And in the darkness of chaos, they fooled Crom, and they took from him the enigma of steel. Crom was angered. And the Earth shook. Fire and wind struck down these giants, and they threw their bodies into the waters, but in their rage, the gods forgot the secret of steel and left it on the battlefield. We who found it are just men. Not gods. Not giants. Just men. The secret of steel has always carried with it a mystery. You must learn its riddle, Conan. You must learn its discipline. For no one - no one in this world can you trust. Not men, not women, not beasts.
[Points to sword]
Conan's Father: This you can trust.
Conan: You killed my mother! You killed my father, you killed my people! You took my father's sword... ah -
Thulsa Doom: Ah. It must have been when I was younger. There was a time, boy, when I searched for steel, when steel meant more to me than gold or jewels.
Conan: The riddle... of steel.
Thulsa Doom: Yes! You know what it is, don't you boy? Shall I tell you? It's the least I can do. Steel isn't strong, boy, flesh is stronger! Look around you. There, on the rocks; a beautiful girl. Come to me, my child...
[Thulsa Doom coaxes the girl to jump to her death]
Thulsa Doom: That is strength, boy! That is power! What is steel compared to the hand that wields it?
Also, in the last scene Conan's life becomes full circle when he cuts Thulsa Doom's head off the same way Doom cut Conan's mother's head off. But before that he tries to convince Conan not to do so.
Conan's father considered steel to be stronger while Thulsa Doom considered flesh to be the strongest. Conan realizes at the end, that both of them were wrong, and that the true riddle of steel is that it is steel and flesh together. It is the will of Conan that could not be swayed, and the sharpness of his sword that gave him the power to cut down Thulsa Doom. This is the generally accepted "answer", but there are variations.
I always enjoyed imagining Conan at the end when he sits on the stairs contemplating his victory as him wondering what has changed. The only thing his quest for revenge made for his personal life was that he lost his love.
Let me explain. By killing Thulsa Doom, he set himself "free" of his quest for revenge, and also "freed" the cultists from Thulsa Doom's lies. But free to do what? Same things they could've done earlier had they the will to do so. Really emphasizes the futility of revenge in the end.
I’ll do a short write-up of the failures of Conan the Destroyer if people are interested. Thank you if you managed to make it this far!
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