INDEX:
The Dev Menace - cRpg Wars Episode I (p.1)
Attack of the Admins - cRpg Wars Episode II (p.8)
"THE DEV MENACE" (A Satire On The 2H Mace Nerf).(Que dramatic, sorrowful music)
There once was a little player named BobTheNoob who played cRpg. He spent hours learning what things were, about timing, range weapons, shields, horses and weapon lengths and even the proper mispellings for chat conversations so the he would not be mocked or belittled. He enjoyed the game because you could get stronger and succeed finally. He looked at other players with admiration and awe as they brought destruction, slaughtering 30, 40 even 50 players in a set, with their fully loomed equipment. "I will get there too, one day!" He boldly declared.
In the process of leveling, he settled on two-handed weapons. "With this I shall join the ranks of the awesome!" And so he began to develop his build. He discovered that as he leveled the two-handed mace was fun. It was exceedingly short, and in that way very vulnerable to ranged, and longer weapons (practically everything); but still allowed him to have small victories. It did not destroy shields. It was simply fast and had a small knock down effect. But it was fun! And then... it happened.
An Eviiiiilllllll Developer of the mod leaned forward in his chair. He saw that people like Bob used the two-handed mace effectively. They did not top the charts with 20-30 kills, but they occasionally killed 2-3 in a row. Sometimes (and this is what made the Developer growl in anger) they even hit the Developer in the face. "They... can't... have.... fun!!!!" The developer seethed in indignation as Bob smashed his tiny mace in the Dev's lvl 35 face. Little did Bob know that his moment of glory and elation was inciting such wrath and fury. Thunder rolled across the hills of cRpg-land.
"I MUST balance the game" The developer pontificated. "It is unfair to the community to allow this to continue." And so the Dev bent his mind and powers to the altering of the two-handed mace. It was truly a menace to the game. "Players will quit the game if it continues as it is," he reasoned to himself. "People will cry and complain to me about it being Over Powered", he rationalized. And so he toiled all night long, fueled by seething enmity towards two-handed mace users.
Secretly, in the recesses of his darkened mind he had another motive. One he rarely admitted even to himself. His master plan, his grand goal - the destruction of all weapons that ranged and hybrid classes use. And they definitely use the 1 slot, two-handed mace.
And so, sweat dripping from his fevered brow, the Dev lowered the NERF hammer. Crpg trembles at the blow. Horses fall to the ground in shrill cries. Shouts of delight arise from melee-ers who despise anyone with a weapon smaller than theirs ever landing a blow. Infants cry out in victory, cry-babies who sit behind monitors defying anyone who ever lands a blow on them; for no one has the skill and expertise they do. And then, poor unsuspecting Bob logs on.
He grabs his trusty little mace, ready for another day of fun while leveling. Only to notice.... how sluggish his weapon is. It doesn't block as fast as before. Its swing is slower than previously. Suddenly, he goes from breaking even in kills to falling behind by half. He wonders, "What has happened?" And then he sees it. The speed change on the mace is a clear evidence of the DEV's work. He knows instinctively what has occurred. The weapon is now no better than a stick. In grief, he tries to plow on. But the misery is too great. Whether it be in regenning for gear or at lvl 30 - the mace just doesn't handle like before. Its enjoyment has faded. Its effectiveness muted and blunted by the sorcerous and wizened hands of the Eviiiiilllllll Dev.
Night falls upon cRpg-land. Fog covers the down-turned faces of many people like Bob. Aspirations and enjoyment crushed. Hopes deflated. The Dev leans back in his creaky padded chair, crossing his hands in front of himself. He grabs a potato chip, dropping crumbs down his front as he consumes it noisily. He sighs in contentment, a smirk slowly developing on his face. "What next?" he wonders. "What is the next step towards the total elimination of fun in this game... except, of course, my build and my preferences?" He chuckles softly. Leans forward. And sees his next step...
Warning: Do not read, much less reply, to this unless you want to be mocked, ridiculed, insulted, and offended.Warning: This message has been repeatedly "patched" in order to become more sarcastic and irritating, just like crpg patches.To the dev who did this:
Can you spell: S.T.U.P.I.D. ?
To trolls:
Yes, IMAD. Anything you post is liable to be puked back into this first post as part of my growing satire.
To the smarty who replied to my STUPID comment:
Its my satire and I can rage if I want to. Not like they gonna listen anyway.
To Mr Potato Head.
"Still a capable weapon"? That can be said of anything they have nerfed. Arrows still stun & damage. (But its ranged so people cry and devs nerf.) The whole value of the mace was in its speed. Not length. Not power hits. Speed. Less speed = less fun, less effective. Hence thats is why devs nerfed it. THEY HATE US HAVING FUN and being effective is the LAST thing they want to see in a player. And as noted below, who used it most? Usually ranged people & hybrids. So. Nerf range AND their back up weapon. Just can't wait to hear more QQ about ranged players running away again. I'm really looking forward to it, aren't you?
To Mr. "It's-Too-Good"
Definition of OP: (Uses whiny voice) "If it can hit me and make me mad, it is 'too good'. If I cannot block it everytime, it isn't MY lack of skill, it MUST be that the weapon is OP. Besides, ONLY weapons I use take skill, nothing else does! Nothing and no one should be OP (except me)!"
To Mr. "its a freaking 1 foot weapon..... your not supposed to be using it like a katana or espada or some other fast primary weapon.. its for archers".
Translation: "You aren't supposed to play the game that way! Why? Because I say so! And yes, I cry like a baby when I get hit by the two-handed mace! I'm glad it got nerfed! I love whining... I mean WINNING, even if I only win because no one else has weapons like I do!"
To Mr. HerpDerp:
It is interesting that a weapon that you never see used to top the charts with is being nerfed. Was it fast? Sure. Did it hit super hard? No. But since some used it well, and big cry babies who pay more for bigger weapons and gear [which hit harder and make u live longer] occasionally got slapped with it.... NERF IT!
To Mr. "Satire-is-somethingelse-IRL". I shall appeal to the supreme dictionary and defintion of terms. Wiki.
"Satire is primarily a literary genre or form, although in practice it can also be found in the graphic and performing arts. In satire, vices, follies, abuses, and shortcomings are held up to ridicule, ideally with the intent of shaming individuals, and society itself, into improvement. Although satire is usually meant to be funny, its greater purpose is often constructive social criticism, using wit as a weapon. A common feature of satire is strong irony or sarcasm "in satire, irony is militant"but parody, burlesque, exaggeration, juxtaposition, comparison, analogy, and double entendre are all frequently used in satirical speech and writing. This "militant" irony or sarcasm often professes to approve of (or at least accept as natural) the very things the satirist wishes to attack. Satire is nowadays found in many artistic forms of expression, including literature, plays, commentary, and media such as lyrics."
Bold text added for the intellectually impaired.
BTW, "bold text" is the extra dark text.
To I'M-A-HAIRY-ANIMAL-IRL:
"it was too good" I suppose BEARS can't read. I have most thoroughly dealt with this before. But for the slow of wit -> "Too good" is the cry of infants who can't handle a weapon that never even topped the scoreboards. Clearly a nerf was needed to compensate with the lack of skill of these pitiable players.
"if you were an archer or crossbowman with 1 slot for a self defense weapon there was very little reason to use anything other than that mace" The no slot hammer and 1 slot short spear are commonly seen as well as the mace with skilled users being able to use them effectively. If anything, while I do not use it, the 1h hammer needed a slight perk to make it a little more useful. But no. Let us rob ranged & hybrids of any motivation for resorting to melee... UR SO SMURT FUR A BARE!
"...it was ***king up internal weapon balance..." The ever important maxim of BALANCE has been sounded! Surely it MUST be done! We must bow to this incredibly powerful argument! Even though the weapon was never used to top the charts, for BALANCE we must sacrifice it!
"...it's been a known 'issue' for a long time" OOHHHHH! I GET IT!!!! Its been AN ISSUE for a LONG TIME!!!!! Wow such powerful reasoning. My determination has fully crumbled before your unfathomable logic! It is inconceivable that I should ever think otherwise now! Unless my brain actually works (herp derp).
11% of the community cried like babies saying it would be too OP. They complained that it wouldn't be "realistic enough" for this game. It needed to be pink, not orange, in order to be balanced. A picture of the ringleader of this group was taken. He went by the name "BigBoi" and is a member of the "DD" (Dirty Diaper) clan.
78% of the community thought it would actually be fun, but decided that we already have enough ranged weapons of similar strength in game.
10% of the community selected a choice at random due to insufficient intellectual capacity.
1% of the community (The DEVs) voted 1000 times each, skewing the poll. This is obviously due to the fact that a DEV's opinions is vastly more important than anyone elses, and that they listen to the loud complainers, rather than being concerned with what is actually fun and keeps people playing the game.
I would post the link to this poll, but the Eviiiiilllllll DEV rolled in and destroyed all evidence of its existence in an effort to curtail criticism. Let us extol the virtues of...
visitors can't see pics , please
register or
loginWhy is nerfing good for the game?10. Because the Devs have nothing better to do (like fix glitches and bugs)!
9. It makes the Dev's feel powerful in being able to rob other players of any weapon that could ever possibly land a hit on their awesome person.
8. Because cry-babies call it OP. (In other words, they are too lazy to figure out how to fight it.)
7. "Its a freaking one foot weapon..." (In other words, the fact that I already have a longer weapon doesn't matter!)
6. "Its too freak'n long..." (In other words, I do not know how to down block!)
5. "Its too freak'n fast..." (In other words, it hit me before my sloooow mind could comprehend it. Herp derp!)
4. "It has too freak'n much ammo." (In other words, one is too many)
3. "Its a freak'n archer weapon." (Archery must be entirely removed from the game!)
2. "It freak'n knocked me down! It freak'n stunned me!" It freak'n 3 shot me! It freak'n 2 shot me! It freak'n one shot me!" (In other words, "I'm too freak'n good to be killed by anyone!")
1. It "balances" the game, even when the weapon was not freak'n dominating before!
N - Never permit excellence, punish it!
E - Everyone must suffer, except the Devs.
R - Random & constant nerfs are good for the game! Really they are!
F - Fun is never permitted for anyone, except the Devs.
